Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Adventures
by The New Fullmetal Alchemist
Summary: GUESS WHO'S BACK! Me, with more hilarious cracked-out antics! Read my newest offering if you're a long-time fan, or start from the beginning if you're new! It's wonderfully random humor, and it's BACK AFTER 2 YEARS! Hooray!
1. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Car Ride

**Ok, I already posted this once before, but the program ate a bunch of my punctuation (I hate that...) So I'm fixing it and re-posting it! Sorry! **

**Ok, so I wrote this for a friend who popped a tire on her golf-cart (where we live golf-carts are an actualy mode of transportation) when she swerved in order to avoid hitting some roller-skater or something that crossed right in front of her. This is her story: FMA-ified!**

**Please review!**

**I do not own FMA - but I do own a golf-cart:)**

Roy Mustang sat in the passenger seat of the car, gloomily looking out of the window – he hated giving reports in person.

"Sigh…"

"Is something the matter, Colonel?" Riza Hawkeye, his right-hand woman, asked him.

"Yeah… I hate giving reports…"

"I'm sorry to hear that, sir," Riza replied, turning her attention back to the matter at hand: driving the grumpy colonel safely to Central City headquarters.

"I don't know… I just wish that something – something exciting would happen once in a while!" Roy whined; his wish was granted all too soon.

Riza was driving the car down a side road when suddenly there was a flash as a person ran right out in front of them –

"Shit!" Riza swore, swerving to avoid hitting the idiot.

"What the – !" Roy shouted, hanging on for dear life.

"POP!"

"Damnit! What the hell was that!" Roy asked as soon as the car had screeched to a halt at the side of the road.

"I believe that was our tire popping, Colonel," Riza told him, smoothing back her hair and regaining her composure. "However, I think the more important question is, who was that standing out in the middle of the road?"

The two of them, clad in their military uniforms, stepped out of the car. They looked around – the person had vanished. Next, Riza checked to see what the damage was to the car: a popped back wheel, and a few scratches, but nothing major. Roy, on the other hand, did a happy jig: "I don't have to go to Central! I don't have to go to Central!" he sang, jumping up and down. Riza was about to admonish him for his foolishness, when –

"WHOOMP!" A blur came pelting out of nowhere (again), and tackled the dancing Roy to the ground.

"OW! Get off of me! Hey!" Roy shouted at the figure pinning him to the ground.

Riza quickly pulled out her gun – she raised it, shouting "Watch out, Col-"

"I WANT GIANT PICKLE!"

"What the hell!" Riza shouted, forgetting all about playing the part of the "in charge and under control" woman.

"EDWARD! GET OFF OF ME!" Roy shouted, having finally figured out what it was that was suffocating him – Edward Elric (who was sitting on his stomach).

"WHO PUT THEIR MARBLE COLLECTION IN MY BURGER!" Ed shouted, jumping off of the colonel.

"WHHHEEEEEEE!" Ed began running around in a circle… in his boxers.

"Fullmetal, sir! Please, for the love of God, put some pants on!" Riza pleaded, tears streaming down her eyes (she had been blinded by the whiteness of Ed's legs): "Or at least a spray-on tan, or something!"

"Edward! What are you doing!" Roy, who was back on his feet by this time, shouted.

"WHHHEEEEEE! ANTONIO!" Ed shouted as he spun.

"Antonio?" Riza asked, confused.

"It's the spicy Italian sausage in his pants – named Antonio! I'll explain later! Right now we have to figure out what in the world is wrong with him!" Roy shouted to Hawkeye.

"WHHHEEEEE! UGGA-BUGGA-BUGGA!" Ed shouted, now running in circles in the opposite direction.

"Sir!" Riza shouted to Roy, "I think he's on crack!"

"Oh, God," Roy said, "that's not good! With a person his size there's no telling what sort of effects it will have on him!"

"You mean his automail, Colonel?"

"No, damnit, I mean because of how short he is! Look at him! He's so small even a little bit of crack could set him off like a firecracker!" Roy shouted at his subordinate.

"Small? SMALL! WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THEY'RE THE SIZE OF YOUR I.Q.!"

"Ohhhhhh! Colonel, you just got _told_!" Riza said, giddy with delight. "Uh, I mean, 'that's not very nice…'"

"Aaaarrgghh! No one says that to Roy Mustang! Fullmetal, get over here so I can kick your ass!" Roy yelled, chasing after Ed who was now sprinting back down the road, singing:

"I LIKE CHICKEN! I LIKE LIVER! MEOW-MIX, MEOW-MIX, PLEASE DELIVER!"

"JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET A HOLD OF YOU, YOU SHRIMP!"

"WHHEEEEEEEE! COLONEL, YOU HAVE A SHRIMP! – _IN YOUR PANTS!_" Ed screamed at the top of his lungs, continuing to sprint back towards Eastern Headquartes.

"AAAARRRGGGHHHH!" Roy bellowed as he sprinted down after the pint-sized alchemist.

"Uh… Colonel?..."

Poor Riza had been left standing in the middle of the road – the car had a flat tire, and she was scarred for life. "It should be illegal to sing the 'Meow-Mix' song when you're running around in your underwear," Riza thought. She shivered, horrible images racing through her mind.

Several hours later a tow-truck would come for the lieutenant, and the mechanics would find her on the ground, twitching, as semi-naked cracked-out Edwards ran through her head.

Fin.

**Hahahahaaa! I crack myself up! Heehee! Please review! Have you had anything crappy yet slighly amusing (in retrsopect) happen to you today? Let me know - I may be able to turn that frown upside down through the powers of "FMA-IZATION!" (impressive-sounding echo in background - rips off shirt and flexes muscles). Haha! Seriously, though, I love doing these "dinky" little one-shots! Haha! Please review! Have a great day! Sorry to the people who reviewed earlier - I really appreciate it! The punctuation thing just bugged me, that's all - I couldn't _not_ re-upload it! ...**


	2. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Date

**Woohoo! Here's FLAMETAL's story - FMA-ified! (Read the reviews for this story so you can see what I'm talking about) - do you have a good story that could be FMA-ified? Have something you want our cracked-out chibi alchemist to do? Let me know! I have the powers of FMA-ization! (Said in manly voice with big sparkly lights everywhere...) Please read and review! **

**I do not own FMA - but my long story is really cool!**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Date

The Colonel was not really the most romantic of men, but this was something altogether different – for the first time, Roy Mustang was truly in love.

Roy found everything about her to be beautiful and alluring – her eyes, her hair, her scent, the way should could make grown men pee their pants whenever she raised a gun up to their heads… Yes, Riza Hawkeye was the one for him.

Unfortunately she still hated him a little for leaving her stranded in the middle of nowhere the previous week while he had gone chasing after Edward (which ended up not panning out in the Colonel's favor – he chased Ed for over an hour before succumbing to exhaustion and heat-stroke… needless to say, the pint-sized alchemist had escaped). But Roy had decided to try and make it up to her – and profess his love. He decided to cook her a romantic meal for two followed by a romantic movie and snuggling on his couch (A/N: yes, I know that there aren't TV's in Amestris – just go with it). Despite being a lazy ass, Roy was an expert planner, and he knew that nothing could go wrong tonight – well, almost nothing.

Later that evening there was a knock at the Colonel's apartment door.

"Coming!" he called out from the kitchen, removing his apron and putting the lid back on a pot, the contents of which he had been inspecting only moments before. He walked to the entryway, smoothing back his messy, yet slightly sexy, hair. He looked good: casual khaki slacks and a soft grey button-down shirt. But when he opened the door, he noticed that she looked better: her luxurious golden hair was down, cascading over her shoulders. She was wearing a beautiful sun dress of deep red, the material billowing around her knees and showing off her well-toned legs as she stepped into the foyer.

Roy began to gape, but quickly caught himself, saying in a smooth tone of voice, "Riza, please, come in; you look absolutely stunning tonight!" He ushered her in, taking her coat and hanging it on the rack by the door.

"Would you like something to drink?" he offered, "Perhaps some wine?" he asked as he led her to the dining room and offered her a seat at the romantically set table – fine silverware, plates and wine glasses were set out on the table which was covered by a beautiful white tablecloth. The lights in the room were dimmed, and candles were set out on the middle of the tale, along with a single rose in a vase by her place-setting.

"Oh, Roy," she said softly, "this is so romantic!"

He smiled at her lovingly. "Anything for you! I'll be right back with dinner!" he said, disappearing into the kitchen. He came out a minute later with their meal: chicken and pasta in alfredo sauce, served with fresh salad, warm bread, and a delectable chocolate mousse for dessert.

Riza sighed contentedly. "That was wonderful!" she told him.

"I'm glad you liked it," he said warmly. "Would you like to come with me into the living room and we can watch a movie together?"

"Oh, I'd love to!" she told him happily.

Roy was a little perturbed, to say the least – the First Lieutenant never acted like this at the office – he had never seen her so… feminine before. Not that he was complaining, or anything. 'After all,' he thought, 'everyone has a more personal side to them.'

Roy and Riza settled down in the comfy, candle-lit living room. Roy turned the TV on, and the couple began to watch a very mushy, very romantic movie. Roy was just about to tell Riza how he felt about her when –

"Pop!" the TV went out.

"What in the world?" Roy said. He had been so close…

"Do you think the electricity went out?" Riza asked from beside him.

"Maybe…wait right here, I'll go look…" Roy said as he got up from the couch to check the circuit breaker in a box out on the back porch of his apartment. He flipped a few circuits, then shouted through the screen door, "Riza! Is it back on?"

"Yes, it is," she called out to him, "Hurry before you miss the best part!"

Roy hurried back, just in time for a kissing scene.

"Oh, good," Riza said playfully as she pulled him back onto the couch, "You're just in time!" she said before she kissed him passionately.

Roy and Riza were just getting started on their make-out session along with the movie characters when –

"Pop!" the TV went out again.

"Damn it all!" Roy muttered as he got back up to check on the circuit breaker.

Riza sighed. She had been so close…

Roy looked inside the circuit breaker box. 'Odd,' he thought, 'I thought I just flipped these a minute ago…' Roy flipped the same circuits back, then re-joined Riza on the couch, the TV on once again.

"That's better," he said, smiling at her as he sat back down. "Now, where were we?" he asked her in a silky voice.

"POP!" the TV went out – again.

"Shit! What the hell is wrong with this thing?" Roy shouted as he got back up, once again, to check on the circuit breaker. Riza got up to go with him to see if she could help.

What they saw out on Roy's back porch stunned them.

"WHEEEEEE!" Edward shouted, flipping the circuits in the circuit breaker back and forth, then running around in circles on Roy's porch.

"FULLMETAL! Are you on crack again?" Roy shouted at the tiny alchemist who, once again, was partially nude.

Riza began shaking uncontrollably.

"WHEEEE!" Ed shouted again, continuing to flip circuits and run in circles. "ALL HAIL HAMBURGER HELPER!" he screeched.

"FULLMETAL!" Roy shouted. He raised a now-gloved hand. Riza raised her gun (which she had concealed in a somewhat… er… _interesting_ location).

"WHEEEE! BANNANA-BANNANA-BANNANA-BANNANA-ORANGE!" the cracked-out Edward shouted before dashing off of the porch and into the night.

"SNAP!"

"BOOM!"

"BANG!"

Roy gritted his teeth in disgust – he had tried to fry the Fullmetal-shrimp, but the boy was so quick that Roy could barely singe him. He had been so close…

Riza fumed – she had tried to shoot at the druggie alchemist after snapping out of her shock, but Ed was running around so schizophrenically that she barely grazed him. She had been so close…

"Damn it!" Havoc muttered, looking at the now un-occupied couch in Roy's living room through a pair of binoculars. Breda, Falman, and Fuery sighed. They had been out on the roof across the street from Roy's apartment all night, peering into the window with a pair of binoculars, waiting for some action. They had been so close…

And all because of a cracked-out alchemist!

Fin!

**Haha! I crack myself up! Thanks again to FLAMETAL! Do you have any suggestions? Ideas? Let me know! Mwahahaha:) Now away - to the pimp mobil! (where did that even start, anyway?)**


	3. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out VDay Party

**God, I love these! I'm just sitting here, busting my own butt off laughing! Come on, people, I need more stories! But thanks again to FLAMETAL! Haha! Come on, people! I weild the powers of FMA-ization! Give me ideas! Please! I need more reasons to procrastinate and not do my homework! Hahaha:) Well, enjoy this latest installment of "Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures!" Haha:)**

**I do not own FMA - but I did watch a really funny Youtube video today involving Hughes singing the "If you were gay" song! **

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Valentine's Day Party

It was St. Valentine's Day, and everyone at Eastern Command was very excited – St. Valentine's Day meant two things for all of the military men: Lots of hot women… and the annual Valentine's Day party, of course.

Everyone was decorating the hallways with red and white streamers and pink paper hearts – almost every one of them with "Call me!" written on it followed by someone's phone number. Riza Hawkeye walked down the hallways and sighed. "Men really are stupid," she said. She really had no idea…

Hawkeye stepped into the mess hall where the party was being set up.

"Oh, Lieutenant, there you are!" Roy Mustang called out to her from across the room.

"Did you need to see me, sir?" Hawkeye asked as she stood next to him, saluting.

"Well, I – I was, uh, that is – You see, I – " the Colonel stuttered lamely. How on earth could he tell her how he felt? That what he really wanted was for her to be his? He just couldn't do it – on the other hand, he was making an excellent fool out of himself.

"Sir?" Hawkeye asked apprehensively.

"Well, Lieutenant, I – I really want – for you to – be – be my…"

"Hey, Colonel!" Lieutenant Havoc shouted as he walked into the mess hall. "Look what we brought for the party!"

Havoc, with Breda and Fuery in tow, walked in carrying a well-sized box full of sub sandwiches. Breda and Fuery each carried several bags of chips and cookies. Roy gave an exasperated sigh as the three food-laden men walked between him and the lady Lieutenant to deposit the food on the table.

"You were saying something, sir?" Riza asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yeah, sir, you were saying something?" Havoc grinned wickedly. The Colonel had stolen more than his fair share of women from the chain-smoking Lieutenant – Havoc was finally getting his revenge.

"N-nothing – nothing," Roy muttered, waving it off. He sighed as he walked to the other end of the room (the empty end), giving only half a glance at all of the last-minute preparations for the party. More soldiers walked into the mess hall with food, excited that the party would soon be underway. Hawkeye only followed after the Colonel once several men had entered, waving around their "Call me" heart decorations to put up on the walls. A couple of them had eyed her – but since she didn't really feel like pumping anyone full of lead (it was Valentine's Day, after all), she decided to keep her distance.

She walked up to the Colonel. "So… _Roy_…" she whispered softly in his ear, "do _you_ have a special Valentine?"

The Colonel looked at her fleetingly with a mixture of surprise and pure happiness, but soon collected himself. "Well," he said in a seductive tone, "as a matter of fact…"

"ALL RIGHT! Let's get this party started!" Ed Elric whooped as he strutted through the door. The Colonel groaned.

"Well," Hawkeye said somewhat apprehensively, "at least he's… _sober_."

"I know," the Colonel sighed as he began to walk back towards the center of the room, "but I'd feel a lot better if Alphonse were here to look after him…"

"Hey, there, Colonel! Al said he's sorry, but he can't make it!" Ed said cheerfully.

"WHAT?" Roy shouted, jaw dropping.

"Yeah – you see, he's visiting the animal shelter – they're doing a big fundraiser or something like that." Ed said with a cheesy grin, ignoring the Colonel's obvious pain.

"Oh, that's right," Riza said, thinking. "'Love a Kitty, Hug a Puppy,' I believe they're calling it…"

"Yup! Al's a big money-raiser for them – people are paying for chances to guess at how many cats he has stuffed in his armor!" Ed said perkily, as if this was a normal (not to mention humane), every-day form of charity.

"Well," Roy sighed, "at least while you're here we can keep an eye on you – hopefully we won't have recurrences of any… _previous _incidences…"

"Hee-hee…" Ed gave an evil smirk.

"Oh? What was that?" Roy asked sternly as he furrowed his eyebrows, bending down so he could see eye to eye with the teen-aged State Alchemist.

"Oh, nothing, nothing…" Ed said happily. "Oh, and I brought something for everyone to drink!" he said as he handed a 2-liter soda to his superior officer.

"Good thinking, Edward," Riza said, "it appears that you're the only one that thought of beverages – everyone else has brought food!"

"Yeah, or their phone number…" Roy muttered sarcatically. He could see a bunch of soldiers gawking at Riza's… er… features.

Riza glared at him. "Colonel! Honestly, sir, stop acting like such a child!" she fumed at him.

'Damn it, so much for 'Roy' – now I'm back to 'Colonel' again… I've really got to work on my jealousy issues…' Roy thought to himself as he unscrewed the cap on the soda.

"SSHHHFFFFTTT!"

"DAMN IT!" the Colonel yelled as the soda fizzed all over the front of his uniform – he had forgotten to let the bottle sit a few minutes before opening it.

"Here, Roy, let me help you," Riza said softly as she got some napkins to help Roy mop up the soda on his jacket.

"Hey, look! Soda!" one man shouted, yanking the bottle out of the Colonel's grasp as pandemonium broke loose in the mess hall. Soldiers grabbed at cups, desperate for something to wash down the sandwiches, chips, and cookies they had been pigging out on.

"Hey! No fair! Save some for us!" Roy said as he watched the men greedily fight over the soda.

"Sorry, Colonel!" Ed said playfully as he raised his glass in a mock toast.

All of the men downed their drinks as Roy and Riza looked on dejectedly – and somewhat thirstily. Each man was able to only have about a shot-glass' worth of soda, but it proved to be more than enough… _far_ more than enough…

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ed shouted, throwing his arms up in the air and running around in a circle.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" the soldiers shouted, promptly following Ed's example.

"What the _HELL_?" Roy shouted as men began – literally – bouncing off the walls.

"OOOOWWWWEEEEE-OOOOOWWWWEEEEE-OOOOOOO!"

"NYANNER-NYANNER-NYANNER-NYANNER-NYANNER!"

"GIANT PICKLES! GIANT PICKLES! GIANT PICKLES!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Roy shouted as various annoying sounds, animal noises, and words with questionable meaning were shouted out by the seemingly-crazed soldiers. "What in the world is wrong with them?" he said, beginning to panic.

Riza groaned. "I think Edward put crack in the soda…" she said despondently.

"NOOOOOOO!" Roy said, pulling his hair out as semi-clothed Falman stood on one of the tables, belting out "If you were gay…!"

"This way, Roy, hurry!" Riza shouted as she grabbed Mustang's hand and pulled him towards the exit.

They sprinted through the mess hall as if their lives depended on it, dodging flying sandwiches and cookies as if they were bombs.

Once safely in the hallway, a locked door separating them from the currently cracked-out army, they slumped against the wall, panting.

"Kind of… reminds you… of Ishbal… doesn't it?" Roy wheezed, trying to regain his compoure.

"Yeah… I suppose so…" Riza said softly, catching her breath. "So," she said, looking at Roy with sensual amber eyes, "now what?"

"Well," Roy said silkily, slowly leaning towards her, "we could always…"

"Meow!"

"Damn it, Alphonse!" Riza shouted, spinning around.

Roy looked on in shock – that outburst had been highly unexpected.

"Oh, sorry, Lieutenant! I just wanted to come by and see how the party was going!" Al said, taken aback.

"Very poorly, thanks to your brother," she said tersely. 'For the love of god,' she thought, 'what's it take to make out with a guy in peace?'

"My… brother?" Al asked, confused.

"Yes, your brother," Riza replied, growing more irritable by the minute. "He's in there right now having a crack party with the rest of Eastern Headquarters."

"But… my brother's supposed to be in rehab…" Al said seriously.

Roy and Riza looked at each other.

"I guess he managed to sneak out… I'm sorry, I'll go try and get him…" Al said as he clankingly made his way into the mess hall.

"Well, doesn't that just figure?" Roy sighed.

"Now!" Riza said, quickly getting back to their previous conversation. "Where were we?" she said as she crept up towards Roy.

"Ah! I remember!" Roy said with a devilish grin as he leaned in to kiss Riza.

"WAHAHAHAHAAA! ROY'S MAKING OUT WITH THE LIEUTENANT! NOT THAT IT MATTERS – 'CAUSE ROY'S GOT A _BEAN_ IN HIS PANTS!" a certain blond, cracked-out alchemist shouted as he streaked past the couple and down the hallway.

"DAMN YOU FULLMETAL!" Mustang roared as he jumped up and began to chase after Edward.

"Brother! Brother! Wait!" Al ran up a few seconds later, clanking. "Oh, Lieutenant!" he stopped, looking down at Riza (who seemed to be frozen). "Are you ok?"

"Go _AWAY_, Alphonse!" Riza screamed, pulling out her gun and firing a shot in the air.

"Yes, Ma'am!" Alphonse squeaked quickly, bolting down the hallway after the two shouting Alchemists and out of the Lieutenant's range of fire.

"What _does_ it take…?" she asked herself, sighing, as she stood up and began copying down phone numbers from the decorations on the wall. Fortunately for Roy's ambitions (and Riza's sanity) none these numbers would pan out for luckless Lieutenant, as all of the men who the phone numbers belonged to were still inside the mess hall, cracked-out and holding hands in a circle, singing "I feel pretty!" as a naked Breda conducted them.

Fin.

**Haha! That was one of my more... explicit... stories, I think... Come, friends and FMA fans! Send me your stories! Hahaa! Well, hope you enjoyed it! Seriously, though, go onto and search for "if you were gay; fma"! It's great! The Gravitation one is better, though - especially if you like Gravitation! (Which I love!) Haha! Well, I'll update as soon as I get more stories to work off of! Toodles! Thanks for reading:) **


	4. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Picnic

**Hahaha! Ok, here we go! My newest "cracked-out" story! I'm still not quite sure what to make of this one... it's a lot longer than some of the others, I think, but it has its good qualities! Haha! Thanks so much to charmedxxone for telling me this story! I hope you enjoy reliving it - FMA-ified! Hahaha! I'm actually trying to convince one of my friends to make a shirt for me that says that - FMA-ization! Haha! Should be fun! Anyway, enjoy!**

**I do not own FMA - but I have decided to officially claim "FMA-ization" as my own! Mwahaha! Yeah...**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Picnic

It was a beautiful April day; the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and it was pleasantly warm outside in the fresh, spring-filled air. Colonel Roy Mustang heaved a huge, overly-dramatic sigh. "Sigh…" he moaned loudly.

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye didn't even bother to look up. "What is it now, Colonel?"

"It's so nice outside, Lieutenant. I don't want to be in here doing paperwork…"

"I already told you, sir, you can go outside when you're done signing those forms," Riza told him in a simple yet stern tone, much like one a mother uses on her child when he refuses to do homework… Actually, that's exactly what it was like, because that's exactly what it was – a (very large) child refusing to do his (very important but very boring) work.

"But Lieutenant, I want to go outside _now_…" Roy whined, spinning back and forth in his chair, never taking his dark eyes off of her.

"Roy, stop that immediately," Riza said sternly, eyes burning holes into her paperwork. Mustang was about to cross the line…

"But Lieutenant…" Yup. He had crossed it.

"CLACK!"

"Colonel, do you want lead in your ass?" Riza asked, staring at Roy fiercely while pointing a loaded pistol at his… erm… lower waist.

Roy shook his head quickly, ram-rod straight in his chair. "N-no, ma'am!" he stuttered, panic-stricken.

"I thought not," she said coolly, gun still steady. "Now, finish your paperwork like a good Colonel and then you can go outside and play."

"Y-yes, ma'am!" Roy shouted, turning to his desk with all of the speed in the world.

Riza gave an evil chuckle as she continued reading over reports, pleased to see papers flying in all directions off of the desk of the frantic Colonel Mustang.

…

"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Riza asked as she set up the picnic blanket underneath a large, shady tree. Roy just mumbled. After completing all of his paper-work, the Colonel was now finally allowed to go outside. 'There must be a law somewhere about soldiers not being allowed to threaten their superiors,' he thought darkly.

Riza now lay out their picnic lunch – she had gone to the mess hall and asked for some food to go. Riza sat down and pulled out a sandwich. She patted the blanket next to her. "Come sit, Roy," she called out softly, body much more relaxed. Roy gulped but dutifully obliged. She handed him a sandwich. "Go on," she said, "it's good!" Roy took a bite. Not bad… Soon the barriers, or the fear, rather, melted away and the Colonel began chatting happily away with his Lieutenant. All of the other soldiers in the court-yard either rolled their eyes at the two or secretly plotted revenge against the Colonel for winning the heart of the fierce and gorgeous lady lieutenant. Yet their peaceful lunch was not to last.

…

Roy was tired of sitting on the ground. "I'm going to sit on the lower branches of this tree," he declared to the Lieutenant. "Would you like to join me?" he asked.

"No, thank you," Riza replied casually as she took a sip of her tea and read her book.

"Oh, come on, it'll be fun!" the Colonel wheedled.

"Really, Roy, I'd rather not…" she insisted.

"Fine, then! I'll just sit up here by myself, then!" he said as he climbed a few feet up the tree.

"You do that, then," Riza said under her breath, continuing to read. Roy sat happily up in the tree, about 5 feet off of the ground. 'Hmmm…' he thought to himself after a few minutes, 'this is starting to get boring… plus my butt is numb…' With that thought the Colonel started to jump out of the tree. But…

"CLAP!"

"ZZAP!"

"AAAAAGGGHHH!"

The Colonel was swinging unceremoniously upside down by the seat of his pants. He had been alchemized to the tree branch.

"Colonel!" Riza shouted, jumping up. "What happened?" she asked him, staring incredulously at the sight before her. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Roy had become one with a tree. Well, more specifically his butt had.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" soldiers all over the court-yard began laughing hysterically at the Colonel's compromising situation.

Roy's face began to turn red with rage and embarrassment… not to mention the blood rushing to his head – he was hanging upside down by the seat of his pants, after all…

"WHO DID THIS?" he bellowed, still swinging.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! GIANT PICKLE!"

"Oh, lord, no…" the Colonel said, face becoming slightly pale despite gravity's effects on his blood stream.

"UBER-GOOBER-MONKEY-BEANS!" A cracked-out and out of rehab Edward Elric shouted as he ran around the tree.

"WHEEEEEEEE!"

"FULLMETAL! You did this, didn't you? Get me down! Get me down RIGHT NOW!" the Colonel shouted furiously.

"CRACK-A-LACKIN'!" Ed shouted, dodging bullets as the Lieutenant opened fire.

"Who the hell let him out?" she asked, still firing.

"I don't know, but GET ME DOWN!" Roy continued to shout.

"Brother! There you are!" Alphonse Elric shouted as he came running… er, clanking… into view.

"DUCKY-DUCKY-DUCKY-DUCKY!" Ed shouted, spinning and leaping around the court-yard as the other soldiers stared dumbstruck.

"Hey, there he is!" a bunch of men in white coats shouted as they came running towards the source of the commotion – the source being Ed, obviously…

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Ed laughed hysterically as his brother put him in a half-nelson while the men in white coats gave the pint-sized alchemist an injection. They soon were able to cart the cackling and sedated alchemist away for yet another visit to the rehabilitation clinic…

…

"That was… odd…" Riza said, doing a rare thing by being at a loss for words.

"Lieutenant?" a cold voice asked behind her.

"Yes?" she asked, turning slowly to face the upside-down man behind her.

"Get… me… DOWN!" Roy shouted.

…

"It's no use, sir! You're going to have to do it if you want to get down!" Riza said, wiping the sweat from her brow with her free hand. The other contained pruning shears.

"No! Lieutenant, please, no!" Roy pleaded with her.

"I'm sorry, sir, there's no other way," she told him, trying to sound sympathetic. She cracked a grin. The other soldiers in the courtyard began to laugh.

"No… please, no…" Roy whimpered, staring at his now chuckling first Lieutenant.

"I'm sorry, sir," she said, trying to fight back her grin and holding up the picnic blanket, "but you're going to have to take your pants off."

"Nooooooo!"

…

A few minutes later a rock-steady Riza Hawkeye escorted a furious Roy Mustang through the hallways of Eastern Headquarters; it didn't help matters that a large number of soldiers stood in the doorways, teasing the Colonel about his little "incident" with the tree. Riza looked down slightly, noticing the Colonel's bare legs as they peaked from beneath the picnic blanket as he walked.

"Colonel – you shave your legs?" Riza asked curiously, slightly amused at Roy's silky smooth legs. Everyone in the hallway snickered as they walked past.

"Yes, Lieutenant, why? Do you have some kind of problem with that?" Roy asked viciously, embarrassed out of his mind as more soldiers gathered in the halls, laughing at pointing fingers at "Smooth-legged Mustang, the Tree Alchemist."

"Oh, no, sir – I just find that very attractive in a man, that's all," the Lieutenant replied coolly as she left Roy standing in the hallway, blushing. Everyone else's jaws dropped.

That evening every man at Eastern Command went home and shaved his legs.

**Haha! That was a good ending, don't you think? I think so... Anyway, please continue to send me stories! I know you want your own experiences FMA-ified! Haha! Please review! Hope you enjoyed! Send in those stories! (I can't help it, this is so much more fun than homework! Lol!) :) Thanks again! **


	5. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Training Day

**Hey, everyone, what's up? It's "The New FMA" again, and I'm back with another (hopefully) hilariousadventure! Thanks ever so much to Yusuke343! This story is for you! Haha! Hope that you like it! To everyone, please read and review, and don't forget to do two – no, three – things: 1) Send me any stories (personal experiences you've had where it was as annoying as hell then but equally funny now) you have you'd like FMA-ified, 2) Enjoy this story! and, 3) Laugh your ass off! Haha! I know I am! Thanks :)**

**I do not own FMA – but I did buy an old Newtype magazine (in English) today that has an FMA article in it! I'm stoked! But I have to finish my homework first before I can read it… sigh…**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Training Day

Roy Mustang sighed. It was a great, manly, deep sigh that came from the bottom of his great, manly, deep soul. Or at least that's what he had in mind for it to sound like.

"What's the matter now, Colonel?" Riza Hawkeye asked in response to the pathetic, wimpy, shallow sigh that her superior officer emitted.

"Lieutenant," Roy said, trying to sound philosophical and wise, "did you know that we have to go through training every year during peace-time?"

"Yes, sir, I did," Riza said absent-mindedly. She knew that all combat soldiers assigned desk-work during peace-time had to go through an annual, day-long training session, and she also knew that the Colonel hated it with a passion, and would complain to her about it, and expect some sympathy in return; but at this point in the day, she quite frankly didn't care.

Roy sighed. "I hate the annual training, Lieutenant…" he whined.

'I know you too well, Colonel,' Riza thought to herself as the Flame Alchemist began to tell her his woes. She sighed inwardly. 'This,' she thought as the Colonel droned on, 'will a long day…' If only she knew…

…

"Welcome, gentlemen, to today's training session!" Fuhrer King Bradley said to the amassed soldiers with a grin. Riza straightened to attention; Roy blanched. "We'll begin today with some basic parade drills, move on to some exercises in the weight room, and finish off with a survival hike! Dismissed!" Bradley said with a smile and a wave as the soldiers left for the parade grounds. 'Well,' he thought as he watched the soldiers leave, 'this will be an exciting day!' He had no idea…

…

Mustang was sore – very sore. His feet hurt, his arms hurt, his back hurt, and his face was sun-burnt from being out on the parade grounds for so long. He sat in the coolness of his office, sprawled out on the couch. All of his subordinates quietly ate their lunches, ignoring him – Hawkeye and Havoc in particular – they had to do the training session, too. He groaned. "Now there's that stupid hike," he sighed to no one in particular. 'This,' he thought, 'will not end well…' If only he knew…

…

Alphonse Elric waited patiently at the edge of the woods. His brother, along with the rest of Central Command, had gone for a hike in the woods – a very long, very gruesome hike in the woods. Edward had said that they would be gone for a few hours, but Al had tried to insist on going, too – someone had to look after Edward. Al had always been a little bit protective of his brother – after all, they were all each other had. But in the end, Al decided that he had no problem with staying behind: the Colonel and the others were there. 'Well,' he thought cheerily, 'it's not like he can get in to _too_ much trouble!' He had no idea…

…

"Urr…" Mustang growled as he climbed up a rather steep hill, "Why the hell are we doing this, again?"

"To strengthen us, sir, and to prepare us in case of similar situations in a time of war," Lieutenant Hawkeye told him as she too climbed up the rather steep hill.

"I… don't… care…" Roy panted angrily, trying to keep up. "I… want… to… go… home…"

"Aw, c'mon, chief! It's fun!" Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc told his boss and friend. "Hey, I know! We'll make this a little more exciting!"

"Oh? And how do you plan on doing that? A race?" Hawkeye asked, now successfully at the top of the hill, watching the struggling men.

"Nope! I have a much better idea!" Havoc grinned, unlit cigarette sticking jauntily out of the corner of his mouth. "We'll play tag! Me and the Lieutenant against you, Colonel!"

"What?" Mustang looked up, shock and disbelief written plainly on his face.

"Hmm… Not a bad idea, Havoc," Riza said with a steely grin. "Ok, Colonel, you're it!" She ran off into the woods, Havoc right behind her.

"Hey! Get back here!" Roy shouted, pulling himself to the top of the hill, then running off in the direction of his two (now ex) subordinates. "Wait 'til I get my hands on you!" he shouted, charging through the woods and past perplexed-looking soldiers. 'The Colonel just keeps getting crazier and crazier,' they thought. If only they knew…

…

Roy was an idiot. A really big, handsome, flame-throwing idiot. He was playing tag. In the woods. With his much more coordinated subordinates. He really was an idiot. He was no match for them – while Riza and Jean dashed about through the trees, Roy just ran into them. When the two Lieutenants jumped over protruding tree roots, Roy tripped over them. He should have picked a different game – or just declined altogether. Better yet, he could've ignored his friends' suggestion altogether. But the Colonel was a proud man, and he hated being shown-up. So, he ran stumbling around in the woods instead. A half hour later he was still on their tails, sporting a bloody nose, black eye, several scratches, a mud-covered uniform, and leaves in his hair. He looked like a yeti. A yeti who had just had its ass kicked, that is.

"I'll… get you… yet!" Roy panted, slowing down. Riza and Havoc just laughed, but soon stopped. Roy gave a triumphant "Aha!" and continued after them with a new vigor. Riza and Havoc, meanwhile, stared at the rather large stream in front of them. The two sat down on some large rocks while they waited for the Colonel. Havoc mockingly took up a position of meditation, closing his eyes and crossing his legs, as the Colonel jogged into view.

"Hey, there you are, chief! Where have you been?" Havoc teased, opening an eye and looking at Roy.

"I… need… a… break…" Roy wheezed, slumping down on the ground and clutching at a stitch in his side.

After the Colonel's breathing steadied several minutes later, Hawkeye and Havoc stood back up and walked to the edge of the stream.

"What do you think?" Hawkeye asked, turning to the cigarette-smoking man next to her. "Can we make it?"

"Yeah," Havoc said as he jumped across to the other side, "I think we can." He grinned at the Lieutenant as she glared at him.

"Very funny, Havoc," she said, also leaping across.

"Now we just need to wait for our magnificent hero, the Flame Alchemist!" Havoc said, laughing as Roy painfully got back up.

"I can do this!" Mustang shouted across, standing at the edge of the stream. 'Well,' he thought, 'this will be a piece of cake!' He had no idea…

…

Mustang steadied himself, then slowly rocked back and forth, gaining momentum. He was about to jump when…

"CLAP!"

"ZZAP!"

"BOOM!"

"AAAAGH!" The ground broke from underneath the Colonel, who landed ass-first in the stream.

Riza and Jean just stared – then burst out laughing. Until, of course, a certain pint-sized and cracked-out alchemist began bouncing – literally – all over the forest.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ed screamed, climbing up trees and then jumping back down in mere seconds. He began to jump back and forth across the stream.

"MONKEYYYYYS!" he screeched, throwing his hands in the air and running in circles.

"FULLMETAL!" Roy shouted as he got out of the water, pants thoroughly soaked. "I'm going to fry you, you little shrimp!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THEY COULD FIT IN YOUR PANTS AND STIL BE BIGGER THAN YOUR – "

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! I'LL GET YOU, FULLMETAL!" Mustang shouted as he began chasing down the cracked-out alchemist. Riza and Havoc went back to staring.

"Jean," Riza asked casually after the two alchemists had successfully disappeared into the woods, "how do you think Ed managed to get high this time?"

"Well," Havoc said, still staring at where Ed had been, "we are in the middle of the woods… Lots of mushrooms in the woods… _Lots_ of mushrooms…"

"Ah," Hawkeye said, understanding dawning on her. She too continued to stare. The two stood there for several minutes, neither of them speaking.

"So," Havoc said, breaking the silence, "want to go get a beer?"

"Yeah…" Riza said slowly, turning towards him. "I could probably go for something a bit stronger, though…"

"Me, too," Jean agreed as he and Riza turned to head back towards headquarters, each thinking about what on earth the Colonel could possibly be doing right now. They had no idea…

**Haha! Wow, I am just… I don't know… running out of ideas? Hmm… that may be it… I need to come up with a better "short" response – I've used the "pants" one way too many times! Haha! So, how did I do? Am I ok or have I gone "beyond the pale?" Haha! Please review and let me know! Thanks to everyone for reading! Please continue to send me stories you would like to see FMA-ified! Don't worry, StarShipDelta, you're up next! Haha! Oh, and for the record, Yusuke343, when I said that Roy was an idiot I was not implying that you are too! I just realized that you might read that and take it the wrong way… But yeah, nothin' but love from me! Haha! Thanks again! Please review and send stories! Wahaha:)**


	6. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out You'll See

**Hey, there, everyone! Here's another cracked-out story for you! Mwahaha! Thanks so much to StarShipDelta for telling me this story! Haha! Go to "The Adventures'" review page to see the actual story! Haha! Well, please read, review, and enjoy:)**

**I do not own FMA – but I did meet a new friend today! She likes FMA, too! With any luck she's reading this right now… I just wish I had caught her name… sigh... **

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out… You'll See…

Everything was perfect! The tables, the flowers, the decorations – the cake – it was all so beautiful – everything sparkling and white. People began to come, sitting at the tables and admiring their surroundings. Riza Hawkeye had butterflies in her stomach as she peeked out at this fairytale world from the curtain door of her changing room.

"Riza! Come on, we have to get to the church! Hey, what are you doing? Get away from there! We can't afford to have anyone seeing you in your dress, yet!" Lieutenant Maria Ross scolded as she walked into the dressing room.

"Sorry!" Riza said as she quickly shut the curtains closed, the butterflies still fluttering around.

"Oh, Riza, you look so _beautiful_!" Scieszka exclaimed as she too walked in.

Riza beamed. She really did look beautiful – her dress was long and flowy, hair done up with soft curls cascading down, and a glowing complexion – a result of her happiness. She clutched at the bouquet of white roses she held in her hands. It was finally Riza Hawkeye's wedding day…

…

Riza began walking down the ailse-way of a beautiful cathedral, the train of her dress billowing gracefully behind her as she walked; she was the picture of absolute elegance and beauty. She smiled warmly – dazzlingly – at her future husband just a few feet away from her…

…

Roy Mustang tried to swallow, his palms sweaty and face pale. He had never been so nervous in his life… seeing that smile… that smile had always made him go weak in the knees…

…

After what seemed like an eternity to Riza, she – Mrs. Roy Mustang – walked out of the cathedral, rice being thrown all around her, her hand held tightly by her new husband. They were both positively radiant with joy. They got into their limo, "Just Married" painted on the back window; cans tied to the bumper rattled on the pavement as the vehicle made it's way to the reception at the Grand Ballroom at the Fuhrer's residence. The couple kissed the entire way there…

…

Well-wishers clapped as the new Mr. and Mrs. Mustang entered the reception area. There was good food, good wine, dancing, and gifts galore to celebrate the marriage of two of Central Command's most respected soldiers. Finally it was time – time to cut the beautiful white wedding cake. Roy clumsily held the knife, trying to cut a piece for his new bride. He was doing an absolutely terrible job – the poor cake began to look mauled…

"Here, let me do that," Riza said gently as she began to take the knife out of her new husband's hands. Yet a sudden commotion startled her to the point that she almost threw the knife into someone's face. Because at that moment…

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! BANANA PUDDING!" Edward Elric, as high as a kite (and as small as one, too) screamed as he ran crazily through the crowds of people, finally jumping on the table in front of the couple – the one holding the cake – and declaring, "MUSTANG HAS A SHRIMP IN HIS PANTS!"

"AAAARGH! FULLMETAL! YOU – !"

Ed jumped off the table, cake flying everywhere, and began to run around the room again, Roy hot on his heels.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE! HONK-HONK! WHEEEEEEE!" Ed screamed, running in circles.

Riza just stood there, covered in her wedding cake. Several people began to shout indignantly at the "little blonde crazy-man" who had just spilled cake all over everyone. They, too, began to start chasing Edward.

"WHEEEEEEEE! FLAMING ALCHEMIST! WHEEEEEEE!"

"EDWARD, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU BLONDE CRAZY-MAN! YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR OUR DRY-CLEANING!"

Riza's face began to redden and she started to shake with suppressed rage. 'No,' she thought, 'I can't get angry – I can't let my emotions get the better of me – I have to stay strong, I have to stay strong…'

"Brother, what are you doing? Get back here!" A concerned and armoured Alphonse Elric cried out as he attempted to get to where his brother was.

"WHEEEEEEEEEE! UNDERWEAR!"

"FULLMETAL!"

"GET BACK HERE!"

"Brother, please!"

'I have to stay strong, I have to stay strong,' Riza continued to tell herself as Al clanked past her. 'I have to stay strong, I have to stay strong…'

"Clank-clank!"

'I have to stay strong, I – '

"Meow..."

That was it – that was the _last straw_…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Riza Hawkeye screamed as she suddenly sat up at her desk and began shooting at a group of soldiers clustered in the room.

Roy Mustang stared… 'Did she just have a nightmare?' he thought. 'But… when did Riza even _fall asleep_?'

Havoc, Falman, Fuery, and Breda slowly turned to face the office wall behind them that was riddled with bullet-holes, then slowly turned to gape at the seemingly-crazed lieutenant.

'Was she shooting at _me_?' a very sober Edward Elric thought, sweat pouring from his face as he tried to remain stock-still. 'No, it couldn't be… she aimed too high…' Ed cringed at even implying in the slightest degree that he was short. He cringed again when he realized that he had moved. He cringed a third time when the Lieutenant started shouting.

"YOU!" Riza screamed, pointing an accusatory finger just above Edward's head.

Ed turned around… "Al…?"

"Y-yes?" Al stuttered as he looked nervously around the office – he had just (very loudly) entered the room, apparently waking the Lieutenant from her nap – and disturbing her dream...

"Damn it, Alphonse, you're never invited to my wedding ever again!" Hawkeye shouted at the metal man. The others in the room continued to stare – too shell-shocked to ask her what in the hell she was talking about.

"… Excuse me?" Al asked, apprehension and confusion as plain as day on his armored face.

"You heard me! You're never invited to my wedding again – ever!"

"Why?" he asked sorrowfully. He felt depressed and didn't even know why.

"Because you brought a damn cat to my reception! You know there are no animals allowed in the ballroom!"

A sniffing sound was emitted by the large suit of armor – Al was clearly distraught that he had ruined the Lieutenant's wedding – and what's more, he would never be invited again! Only later would he realize just how little sense all of this was making...

"Lieutenant? What the _HELL_ are you talking about?" Ed asked indignantly. He hated seeing his brother upset.

"AND YOU!" she screamed, the finger of death now pointed at Edward. "You're never invited again either, you little crack-head!"

"Little? Why, you – !"

Ed's comments were cut short, however, as the sounds of a pistol unloading itself of several very deadly bullets rang throughout the office. Ed and Al ran for their lives, slamming the office door behind them – neither of them bothering to stop running until they had made it safely to the next city…

Roy watched the two sprinting figures from the window of his office. He cleared his throat. "Um… Lieutenant?" he began, "What _are_ you – "

Riza fired a shot in the air. "Back to work!" she ordered. "Unless you don't want to come to my wedding either…" she waved the pistol threateningly in the direction of Roy, Havoc, and the others.

"Yes, ma'am!" they all shouted as they began to work at a frenzied pace.

Riza chuckled. 'Hopefully next time,' she thought, 'I'll be able to make it to the newly-wed's bed without being interrupted…' She grinned somewhat evilly at Roy.

Roy Mustang tried to swallow, his palms sweaty and face pale. He had never been so nervous in his life… seeing that smile… that smile had always scared the absolute shit out of him…

**Mwahahahahahaaa! I really had you guys going for a minute, there, didn't I? You thought they would actually get married! Hahahahaaa! Well, I'm afraid that if I did that… well, these "Adventure" stories wouldn't be quite as funny, I think… Hmm… maybe I'll write a one-shot wedding story when I have more time… Hmmm… Anyway, please review! Send me in your stories! I'm currently working on another one, have no fear! Haha! Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it! Ciao:)**


	7. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Mission

**Howdy, ladies and gents! Here's the next installment of the "Adventures" series, where you send in your experiences and I "FMA-ify" them! Wheee! Cracked-out Ed's galore! Haha! By the way, I finally figured out how to disable the "block anonymous reviews" thingy – I had no idea that it was even on… so if you've been trying to review but don't have an account and the site wouldn't let you review, I'm very sorry! You can now review! Whee! Enjoy! Don't forget to send me in your stories! But please be sure to read my author note at the bottom, too! And now, I present to you Roy-Fan-33's idea/story! Wheeeee! **

**I do not own FMA – but I'm going to prom! Yay! My dress is pretty… I got it for thirty dollars… or something like that… have I already mentioned this before? Sorry…**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Mission

"I have a top secret mission for you, Colonel, if you're ready," the Fuhrer, King Bradley, said as he paced his office.

"Yes, sir, I am," Colonel Roy Mustang responded, snapping to attention and saluting.

"Good," the Fuhrer said grimly as he stopped and faced Roy. "Here are your orders…"

…

"We have to _what_?" Riza Hawkeye asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

Roy sighed. "We have to… go and buy some milk…" he said half-heartedly.

Havoc stared at the Colonel. "And we're going with you because…?" Havoc had good reason to be a little upset about this arrangement – after all, it was Friday, and the entire headquarters staff had the whole weekend off…

"Because the Fuhrer ordered it!" Roy snapped, slamming his hands down on his desk. The whole idea of this "secret mission" was severely pissing him off. 'We're going to the store and buying milk for Mrs. Bradley? This is ridiculous!' Roy thought, his temper steadily rising. 'Here I am, a human weapon, going grocery shopping with two of the top soldiers in the entire army of Amestris!'

"Well," Riza said, having re-collected her cool, "let's get going, then."

"Yeah," Havoc sighed as he lazily made to go out the door.

Roy just grumbled. 'This,' he thought, 'is really pissing me off…'

Poor, poor Roy… how little he did know… the "pissing-off" had only just begun!

…

20 minutes later, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, and Jean Havoc, dressed in business suits so as to blend in with the civilians, walked into the Central City Stop-n'-Shop.

"Ok," Roy sighed heavily as they stood and faced the aisles upon aisles of products in the store. "Let's get this over with…"

"Yes, sir," Riza said under her breath. "Dairy products are down aisle 12."

With that the three "camouflaged" soldiers moved casually through the store, walking towards the refrigerated goods, and keeping an eye peeled and an ear open at all times.

'After all,' Riza thought, 'the Fuhrer wouldn't have ordered us here if there weren't going to be any dangers…'

'After all,' Roy thought, 'I have nothing better to do – I may as well look out for any "suspicious activities"…'

'After all,' Jean thought, 'lots of hot women go grocery shopping – I'm bound to find a girlfriend here…'

…

After several minutes of "undercover work," the three soldiers had almost completed their mission – gallon of milk in hand, Roy made his way to the cash register, Riza and Havoc close behind.

"That'll be 2 sens, please," the young woman at the cash register said. Havoc immediately began flirting with her. She blushed – although one could argue it was because of the Colonel's handsome face rather than Jean's smooth talking. Hawkeye scowled at Roy and Havoc in turn.

Roy just rolled his eyes, ignoring the two Lieutenants as he reached into his pocket… and pulled out only change. He sighed.

"Lieuten- er, Riza?" Do you have any money on you? I seem to have left my wallet back at… 'work'…"

Riza gave him a look – the kind normally reserved for soldiers who asked her out… it was a mix between "you're kidding me, right?" and "you're an idiot… seriously…" Nevertheless, Riza opened her suit jacket just wide enough to reach into vest pocket for her billfold, being careful not to reveal the gun that was resting in a pocket in the jacket's lining. Yet a flash of gleaming metal was all that it took to set the young woman at the register off like a canary doused with water – and then set loose in a cat store…

"Is that a _gun_?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

Riza froze. Roy froze. Havoc froze, confused as to why his romantic ventures were no longer being acknowledged… if indeed they ever were to begin with… needless to say he hadn't been paying much attention…

"Oh my god, police! Police!" the girl started screaming. People nearby began panicking, also shouting, "Police! Police! Help, police!"

"No, no, no! It's ok, it's ok!" Roy said hurriedly, trying to calm the cashier down. He looked out of the corner of his eye at the manager… who appeared to be making a phone call… to the police. 'Shit,' Roy thought, 'we can't afford to have this situation get out of hand! I have to do something! _Now_!' He tried again to calm the girl down, now having to shout to be heard. "Really, it's ok! We're with the military! I'm even an alchemist! Look!" Roy reached his hand back into his pocket to retrieve his silver pocket-watch – his military identification. Yet this was the wrong move to make…

"Oh my god! He has a gun, too! Help, help, they're trying to shoot me! Help! Police!" the girl wailed, crying hysterically.

'She actually thinks that I have a concealed weapon!' Roy thought. '… Damn!'

Havoc looked around at all of the store patrons who, in a show of courage, had decided to try and block the exits until the police could arrive. "Shit, Roy!" he cursed, "What are we going to do now?"

Roy looked around helplessly, his hand still in his pocket, clutched tightly around his silver pocket-watch. He knew fully well that there was no way he could get these people to listen… they were all too scared and full of too much adrenaline to hear anything he might say…

"Nothing," Riza answered bluntly, she alone remaining calm, "We're just going to have to wait for the police to get here… _then_ we can explain everything…"

"Damn Fuhrer and his 'secret missions,'" Havoc muttered under his breath.

"Could this possibly get any worse?" Roy sighed.

Poor, poor Roy… he had no idea… just how much worse it would get from here!

…

The police arrived shortly, rifles drawn and aimed at the three people standing around a cash register – their hands, empty, were raised just above their heads, showing their will to surrender (and their lack of weapons).

"Coming through, coming through, out of the way!" the police chief ordered as he made his way towards the suspects at hand. "We have you surrounded," he said, "now tell me just what it is that you think you're doing."

"Sir, please let me explain – my name is Roy Mustang, I'm a colonel in the illustrious Fuhrer's army," Roy explained quickly, knowing that if he wasted his time or his words he would be in even hotter water with the higher-ups for getting himself accidentally arrested.

"Oh, is that so?" the chief asked, stroking his chin. "Let me see some identification, then."

Roy was shocked. He couldn't believe that this man didn't even recognize him, much less his name… 'Well,' he thought, 'the military police never have been too bright…'

"Yes, sir, I just have to reach into my pocket to get it," Roy cautioned, not wanting the man to think he was going to try and pull out a gun – why the police chief hadn't had the three captives searched for weapons already was a complete mystery… well, the military police never had been too bright…

"Johnson!" The chief called out as he nodded to a man behind him. The policeman named Johnson stepped up, pointing his rifle straight at Roy's chest. The chief turned back to Roy. "Make any funny moves and you get it," he said sternly.

"Of course," Roy said. He slowly reached down and began to remove his silver watch from his pocket when…

"STOP RIGHT THERE!"

"Edward?" Riza asked, surprised and slightly confused.

Roy looked up. He noticed Ed's pupils were dilated. 'Oh, hell…' he thought. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, hero of the people, was cracked-out of his mind…

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Ed shouted again.

"What's the matter, sir?" the chief asked, turning around.

"THAT MAN! ARREST HIM!"

"What? Why?" Roy, Riza, Havoc, and the police chief all asked at the same time.

"BECAUASE, THAT MAN TRIED TO SPILL MY GUTS EARLIER WHEN I WOULDN'T GIVE HIM MY WALLET! HIM – AND HIS LITTLE DOG, TOO!"

Johnson looked back at Edward, confused. "What dog?" he asked. He genuinely had no idea…

"What the hell are you talking about, Fullmetal?" Roy asked, pissed-off all over again.

"YOU HEARD ME, 'FLAMING ALCHEMIST!'" Ed shouted as he began to run around the cash registers, screaming at the top of his lungs, "WHEEEEEEEEEEE! SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAR! POTPOTPOTPOTPOT! WHEEEEEEE!"

The military police just stared. Roy fumed. Havoc had little idea what was going on… he hadn't been paying much attention… again…

Riza closed her eyes, gritted her teeth, and counted to three… then opened fire on the pint-sized alchemist.

"WHEEEEEEEE! BANG-BANG GOES THE BOOM-BOOM! WHEEEEEE!"

"Shit! She's firing! Get them! Arrest them! NOW!" the police chief ordered as his men uncertainly made their way towards the mad gunner. Many had seen this woman before at the shooting range… they knew she was deadly… not to mention that she was a part of the military, but orders were orders, and they weren't about to argue…

…

Approximately one hour later Roy, Riza, and Havoc found themselves in a jail cell at Central City Police Headquarters. It had taken a while to apprehend the three, what with all of the confusion Edward had caused, and not to mention Riza's shooting… many of the policemen had run away crying, shouting something about "that devil sniper, Hawkeye"…

Roy pleaded to the police chief through the cell bars. "Just let me call the Fuhrer, please! We can have this whole thing cleared up! Just let me make that call!"

The chief looked the disgruntled, black-haired man up and down. "… Fine," he said, "but just one phone call… I hope for your sake that you don't mess it up…"

Riza and Havoc just stared as Roy picked up the receiver that the chief had handed him. Roy dialed the number – he knew it by heart. He gave the passwords – he had spent hours memorizing them. The chief either didn't notice or didn't care that only military personnel knew these things… he really wasn't too bright…

Riza and Havoc could hear the phone ringing. Then, a click…

"Sir! Sir, it's me, Colonel Roy Mustang!" Roy said into the phone, trying to hide his nervousness.

"Ah, Roy Mustang! How are you, Colonel?" the Fuhrer asked; he had such a booming voice, Riza and Havoc had no problem hearing him through the receiver.

"Not too well, sir, you see, there was a mix-up, and – "

"Oh, you must mean about your mission!"

"Yes, sir, that's exactly what I was calling to talk to you about!" Roy said, sighing with relief.

"Well, don't worry about it…"

"Thank you, sir! I – "

"It turns out that the missus had some milk left in the refrigerator, after all!" the Fuhrer chuckled warmly.

"Wha – ?" Roy said, dumbfounded. Riza and Havoc stared, equally dumbfounded.

"Sorry about that! You having to go through all that trouble, and what-not! Keep the milk! I'll reimburse you later!" The Fuhrer was obviously amused – laughter could be heard through the receiver.

"Wait, sir! No! You don't understand, we – !"

"Click." The Fuhrer had hung up.

"…" Riza and Havoc stared at the phone, mouths gaping… the Fuhrer, their one and only hope in a sea of complete idiots, had hung up the phone…

"… shit…" Roy cursed as he sat down heavily on the bench next to his subordinates. He put his head in his hands.

"You know," the chief told them as he put the phone back on his desk, "I might've believed your story if that state alchemist hadn't of testified against you like he did back there. I mean, after all, he _is_ a state alchemist – he has more authority than even me!"

"AAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!" Roy screamed as he began to tear his hair out. Havoc began to beat his head against the stone walls of the cell. Riza just sighed. 'Here I am,' she thought, 'stuck here… a woman alone in a jail cell with two other men… and it will be at least two days before anyone notices we're missing… stupid work holiday… stupid Ed… damn him! Oh, well… I _am_ here with _two other men_… very _hot_ men… heh-heh-heh… at least I won't be _too_ bored…' she grinned devilishly at Roy and Havoc.

That smile… they could feel it… Roy and Havoc both looked up suddenly.

'Oh, god…!' they thought as they shuffled back against the wall, huddling together and holding onto one another for dear life as Hawkeye advanced slowly towards them with that smile of hers… that smile always _did_ scare the shit out of them…

**Hahahahaaa! Well, that was a little… yeah… I don't know… What do you guys think? Maybe I've become so jaded to my own humor that I can't tell what's "really funny" and what's "kind of funny" anymore… sigh… Please review! Oh, and to Norn Meow, your story is coming up next! I'm really sorry! I missed it on my list! Aaaagh! I feel bad now! I had already had this one half-way done when I got your message, so I decided to finish it! I'll get to yours soon, I promise! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! Aaaagh! Please continue to send in your stories! Be warned, though – after this next one the time between stories may fluxuate for any of the following three reasons: 1) my prom is this Saturday and I'm helping set up a bunch of stuff, 2) I have this huge-ass English project due that I really should be working on right now instead of doing these stories (but that's ok!... kind of…), and 3) I really want to update my longer story, "The New Fullmetal Alchemist" – it's been slightly neglected, lately. But please don't stop reading these stories or sending in your own! It's not like I'm going to totally ignore these stories, I'm just going to put them on the back-burner for a few days or half a week or so, that's all! Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy! Ciao:)**


	8. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Trade Off

**Hey, everyone! I'm changing things up and having some fun! Sorry this took a while - I kept leaving it at school! Haha! In fact, that's where I am right now! Wheeee! Thanks to Norn Meow for sending this in! Sorry it took so long! Keep sending stories! I have ideas, but it may be awhile before I get something up! I have to work on "The New Fullmetal Alchemist"... anyway, hope you enjoy!**

**I do not own FMA - but I did get acrylic nails for prom... they're a mother- to type in!...**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Trade-Off

It was a typical day at Central City military headquarters. The Fuhrer was in his office, doing whatever it is that Fuhrer's do; Havoc was taking yet another cigarette break; Breda was in the break room, hiding from Black Hayate; Roy was doing his paperwork, being held at gun-point by Hawkeye; and Ed was… sober? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Ed was not cracked-out, high, stoned, "licking the toad," having visions of pink, dancing bunny rabbits… and, well, you get the idea… Everything was completely

and totally normal. Except for one thing…

"I'm bored!" Edward Elric whined.

"Oh, brother, stop! Why can't you just help out and not complain for a change?" Alphonse Elric admonished.

"Because, Al, this is stupid! Why do we have to even be here?"

"Because, brother, the Colonel asked us, remember?"

"Oh, yeah… well, I'm really bored…"

"Then find a way to occupy yourself," Al sighed. Having an older brother was such a pain…

"Hmm…" Ed thought long and hard. "I got it!" he shouted.

"Really? What?" Al asked curiously. Ed hadn't really been brainstorming for all that long of a time…

"Paper-cutting!" Ed declared, standing up and putting his hands on his hips.

"Um… excuse me?" Al looked at his brother in as quizzical a manner as a suit of armor could.

"Yeah, paper-cutting! I'll catch you later, Al!" Ed shouted over his shoulder as he left to go to Mustang's office.

"This can't end well…" Alphonse sighed. Good ol' Al – his hunches are always right…

…

"Hey, Colonel, want to do some paper-cutting?" Ed asked as he stuck his head into Roy's office.

"Not now, Fullmetal, I'm dealing with enough paper right now as it is!" Roy said frantically as papers flew… Hawkeye was a very persuasive person when it came to making Roy do his work…

"How about you, Lieutenant?" Ed asked brightly, "Care to join me?"

"No, Edward, I don't – I'm busy watching the Colonel. And besides, we've been involved in enough of your little 'adventures' already. I could do with a break."

"Um… what are you talking about?" Ed asked, raising an eyebrow.

Riza sighed. Ed had no idea that all of his actions and conversations were being narrated by a very bored high-school girl as she sat in the library during lunch one day…

"Ok, ok, never mind!" Ed said huffily. "Party poopers…" he mumbled under his breath.

"BANG!"

"Yipe!" Ed cried as he ran out of the office. Hawkeye was a very persuasive person when it came to making Ed leave the room…

"Well, Colonel, now that Ed's gone, how about we take a break?"

"Really?" Roy asked in disbelief. "But what about our 'Cracked-Out Adventures' story? Don't we need to be doing that?"

"No, not today – Edward will be taking over for us."

'This is too good to be true!' Roy thought.

Riza gave him a sly grin. "Well," she said as she locked the door and closed the window blinds, "let's get started…"

'Oh, shit…' Roy thought.

…

"La-la-la-la!" Ed sang softly as he cut out paper shapes in the break-room. He was actually having a lot of fun… 'This is much better than marijuana!' he thought happily, 'But not nearly as fun as crack!' he gave a wicked grin. "Heh-heh-heh!" he chuckled. "I can't wait to scare Roy and Riza this time!" he cackled, pulling out a plastic baggie, the contents of which… well, I'm sure you get it...

Needless to say that this was all very scary, but not nearly as scary as what loomed outside the window…

"Oh, what a glorious day…" a deep voice said softly. The figure pulled the sleeve of his shirt back, revealing a heavily tattooed, and very muscular, arm. "I will finally be able to kill the Flame Alchemist!"

… Apparently, while this man with a scar and sunglasses was very, very sexy, he was also a very, very bad map reader – he was under the wrong window. He thought he was actually about to deal with the Flame Alchemist! Rather, he was about to get in a fight with a cracked-out Edward Elric… that poor, poor man…

"CRASH!" the sound of glass shattering echoed around the room.

Edward looked up, cracked-out of his mind and still holding a pair of scissors...

Scar looked up. And screamed.

"Aaaaaaaaagghh!" He ran out of the room, bursting into the hallway and sprinting past very confused soldiers. Edward chased after him, scissors held aloft, screaming, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SNIP-SNIP! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Scar shouted, running down the hallway further, not noticing the yellow plastic sign reading "Caution – floor wet!" Bad mistake…

"Shwooooosh!"

"Aaaaaagh!" Scar had slipped in the water, crashing down hard onto his back.

Ed stopped short, staring at Scar.

"THANKS SCAR!" he cackled, crazily wielding the scissors.

"W-what? A-arent' you going to kill me now?" he stuttered. Then his face turned red. "Why are you thanking me? You should be killing me! What are you, on crack or something?"

Edward got a strange gleam in his eye. "I'm thanking you for slipping and alerting me to the fact that the floor was wet, thus preventing me from making the same mistake," he said rather calmly… eerily calm… "And yes, I am on crack." And with that a large, cracked-out and cheesy grin appeared on his face, and he ran around the hall, screaming, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! PINE BOARD! WHEEEEEEEEEE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Scar shouted as he quickly got up in the puddle, slipped again, cursed, got up again, and then ran down the hallway and out the front door.

"WHEEEEEEEeee…whee? Huh? What happened? Ow, my head hurts!" Ed moaned, clutching at his head with this free hand. He looked at the other. "And why am I holding scissors?... Oh, that's right! That bastard Scar wouldn't play with me!" he pouted. "And now I'm out of crack!" he sobbed, walking back down the hall to where Al was waiting. "Today sucks…" he grumbled. "But at least I didn't trip and get my butt wet!" he then laughed hysterically, the sound ringing and echoing through the halls. It sent a chill through Breda; it sent a chill through Havoc; it sent a chill through Black Hayate; it even sent a chill down Roy Mustang's spine… Riza Hawkeye was the only one too preoccupied to notice…

**Thanks for reading! Yeah, Riza's getting a little "out there"... might have to tone her down a bit:) Please review and send stories! See you guys later! Thanks again, Norn Meow! **


	9. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Pile of Wood

**Hello, all you space-cadets! Haha! Just kidding! So, how's everyone? You all enjoy the last chapter? This one has Riza a bit less… "wild"… yeah… I almost kind of like her better the other way, though – really calm exterior, but then you get these little shots of "Amazon woman" all of a sudden. What do you guys think? Here's the story on this one: it's not _actually_ a real story! Rather, it's for a friend of mine, Hannah, who I hardly ever get to see anymore, and the last time I did, well, to make a long story really, really short, she said "Pine Board!" along with a really funny pose, and now it's our own little "inside joke"… so, I was bored today during math, and not having my notes with me that have all of your guys' stories on it, I totally b.s.-ed an entire FMA "Adventures" story off of two words: Pine Board. Enjoy the insanity:)**

**I do not own FMA – but I'm sure I have some pine board somewhere… **

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Pile of Wood

"… Lieutenant, what the hell is this?"

"Pine board, sir."

"… pine board…"

"Yes, sir."

"…"

Colonel Roy Mustang stared at the pile of wood stacked in his office. It was exactly what his first Lieutenant had said it was. Pine Board. A rather large, rather woody, pile of pine board.

"What exactly is this… pine board… doing in my office?" Roy asked, still not quite believing what he was hearing.

"I don't know, sir," Riza Hawkeye answered coolly. "It was delivered here just a little over an hour ago."

"Delivered?" Roy looked up suddenly, "Then, that means – !"

"Yes, sir – we have been the victims of a telemarketer call."

"Nooooooooooo!" Roy screamed, clutching at his head and doubling over.

Riza moved towards him, hand outstretched, when…

"SLAM!" the door burst open. Riza quickly pulled her gun out, aiming it at… Havoc?

He stood in the doorway, panting, not noticing the gun aimed at his head. His eyes scanned the room, gazing at the convulsing Roy on the ground, and then focusing on the rather large, rather woody pile of pine board in the middle of the room.

"Damn it!" Havoc cursed. "They already brought it here!" he continued to swear like a sailor, or, in this case, a soldier, until a gun shot interrupted him. He slowly turned and looked at Riza.

"Second Lieutenant," Riza asked coldly as she re-loaded her pistol, "what the hell is going on here?"

Havoc looked from the gleaming, deadly metal in Hawkeye's hand to Hawkeye's gleaming, deadly gaze and back again. Silence filled the room, save for small and pathetic moans emitting from the Colonel, who was now in a fetal position next to his desk. Havoc gulped.

"W-well," he stuttered, staring at his boots, "there was this call yesterday, see, and I, well, I…"

"Click."

Havoc's eyes widened at the sound of the safety on Riza's gun being removed. He began sweating profusely.

"W-well, y-you see, th-there was this – this g-girl, and I, well, uh, that is, she, um…"

Riza began slowly squeezing the trigger, eyes narrowed and focusing on the middle of Havoc's forehead.

Havoc panicked, telling the sniper everything in a single breath. "This-really-hot-telemarketer-called-and-said-that-if-I-bought-all-this-pine-board-from-her-she'd-go-out-with-me!" he held up his arms in surrender and cringed, waiting for the bullet to rip through him and his life to finally be over. It had been a good run, after all…

Riza stared at him. "So what's it all doing here?" she finally asked after a minute.

Havoc blinked. She wasn't going to kill him? Well, in that case… "I told her I was a high-ranking military officer, and so I was able to get it delivered for free to headquarters! I told them Mustang was my subordinate, and so they decided to bring it here! I was going to catch them as soon as they came so I could get rid of it before the Colonel could find out!" he said quickly. "Or you…" he added, still keeping his hands in the air – just in case.

Riza had by this point slowly lowered his gun, but still stared blankly at Havoc, as if in shock. "So what are you going to do with it now?" she asked after a minute of stunned silence.

"Build a birdhouse?" he suggested hopefully, shrugging.

Riza blinked.

"HAHAHAHAAAA! THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! HAHAHAAA!" the lieutenant laughed as she rolled on the ground, clutching at her stomach.

"Uh, Lieutenant…?" Havoc asked in a small voice, slightly hurt and more than a little bewildered by Hawkeye's excessive laughter.

Roy had more or less recovered by this point, and he slowly got up and faced Havoc. "Get… that… damned… wood… out… of… here… NOW!" Roy bellowed, shaking with rage.

"Y-yes, sir!" Havoc shouted, quickly bundling the wood in his arms and clumsily making his way out of the room with it. The sounds of wood hitting tiled floors echoed throughout the hallway, as well as more than one cry of pain from Havoc due to boards hitting his toes or from getting splinters.

Roy slammed the door and returned to his desk. He slumped in the chair, covering his eyes with his hands. "Lieutenant?" he mumbled.

"Hahaha… Yes, sir? … snicker!" Riza chuckled as she got up from the floor and brushed herself off.

"Who the hell sells PINE BOARD over a TELEPHONE?" Roy shouted.

Riza stopped laughing, a serious look coming over her face. She stopped and thought a minute. "I don't know, sir…" she said. She stared vacantly into space. She was going to be thinking about _that_ one all day long…

…

"WHEEEEEEEEEE! ELECTRIC TOADS! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" a very short, very cracked-out blonde alchemist shouted as he ran into Central Military Headquarters. He skidded through the tiled halls, as he was wearing only socks, shorts, and a tee-shirt. He giddily ran up the stairs and down the hall towards the office of non other than Colonel Roy Mustang…

…

"Did you hear that?" Roy asked in a hushed voice, brow furrowed as concentrated on what the noise was and where it was coming from. Riza stopped thinking about telemarketers who sell pine board and listened.

"Is that a… siren?" she asked uncertainly.

"No… it sounds like a…" Roy and Riza's eyes slowly grew wide in realization of what was coming; it was bearing on them like an eighteen-wheeler truck, or, rather, a sixteen-year-old alchemist on crack, they're really both the same thing… Yet neither of them had time to contemplate whether there was a difference or not, because suddenly…

"BAM!" the door was slammed open, a blur of blonde streaking into the office.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! ALEEOOOP!" Ed shouted as he jumped over the desk and into Roy's lap.

"What the hell?" Roy shouted, trying to push the cracked-out Ed off of him.

"WHEEEEE! NOT UNTIL YOU KISS ME LIKE YOU DO TO RIZA!" he screamed.

Riza froze, gun half-way out of its holster.

"WHAT?" Roy shouted. "I don't kiss the Lieutenant!"

"WHEEEEE! I KNOW!" Ed shouted happily, "BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID SHE'LL FIND OUT ABOUT THE SHRIMP IN YOUR PANTS! WHEEEEEEEE!" he screamed as he jumped out of Roy's lap and dashed out into the hallway.

"AAAAAAAGH! FULLMETAL! GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE SO I CAN FRY YOU!" Roy shouted as he ran out of the office, pulling his glove onto his hand and proceeding to set everything in the hallway on fire in an attempt to burn Edward.

"What the hell… just happened?" Riza mumbled, shocked, as she slowly made her way out of the burning office, down the flaming hallway, and out of the blazing Central City Military Headquarters, from inside of which the screams of a pint-sized alchemist on drugs and an enraged colonel could be heard.

Riza watched calmly as Ed ran past her, Roy in hot pursuit. She then watched without feeling as the headquarters burned to the ground. Her thoughts had gotten quite lost and confused at some point during this whole ordeal, and she rathered that they stay that way…

…

A while later, Riza stood in the smoldering ruins of what was once the Colonel's office in what was once Central Military Headquarters. She picked up the smoking phone off of the charred and smoldering desk. She dialed a number.

"Havoc?" Riza asked slowly, her voice filled with a forced calm.

"… Yes?" his staticy, apprehensive voice asked on the other end.  
"Bring your pine board over here, would you? We're going to need it…"

"Why? Are you building bird houses?" the bewildered yet hopeful sound crackled through the half-melted receiver.

"… something like that…" Riza replied. She hung up the phone and placed it back on the desk, which quickly collapsed into a pile of ash at the Lieutenant's feet.

"Pine board telemarketers…" Riza grunted, still dazed. "Who'dve thunk it?" Although, she did have to admit they had come quite in handy – without them, Central Military Headquarters would not have been rebuilt – or smelt so pine-tree fresh!

**Wahahaa! Ok, kids, that's it for today! Hope you liked it! Thanks to all those who've been reviewing! Please continue to send me stories! I have a couple in the works right now, but it's all still in the brainstorming phases… Don't forget to review! Oh, and no flames, please, unless they're from Roy! Roy… (drools…) Have fun reading! Tell your friends! Haha:) Oh, yeah! Does anyone know how to get a question mark followed by an exclamation mark or vice-versa to show up on this site? It always eats mine when I upload for some reason... Thanks! Let me know! **


	10. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Train Trip

**Hey, guys! In honor of my ground-breaking tenth (yes, TEN, count 'em, TEN) installment of "Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures," I'd like to dedicate this one to all of my awesome readers and even awesomer reviewers! My powers of FMA-ization are nothing compared to what you guys have given me to work with! And so, this is an entirely fan-based story, where every comment, every plot twist, has been inspired by you guys and your awesome reviews! I've had over 3,000 hits on these stories, and well over 80 reviews! I've been proclaimed the "Master of Randomness" by so many of you I'm blushing! So, thank you, guys, for all of your support! This tenth story goes out to you! A lot of you readers may find some of your comments and "mini-stories" tucked away throughout this story! So, I'd just like to thank you all by name! If I missed anyone, I'm sorry!**

**-charmedxxone**

**-StarShipDelta (who's story is the main theme of this "Adventure")**

**-Jade Rhade**

**-Yusuke343 (actually, the whole pudding thing was my idea, but it's our joke!)**

**-Everyone else who made me feel so special with all of your wonderful reviews! **

**But I'd especially like to say something to this guy – toki togipi – this is what he/she/they wrote, copied and pasted straight from the review board! "**red riding edward the shapshother and the big bag roy mustang wolf of horrible jokes.**" Well, you know what, pal? F YOU! Wahahahhaaaaa! I don't care what you think of my stories, now go learn how to be a little nicer ("if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all") and learn how to type! Oh, and get a sense of humor, while you're at it! Wahahahaaa! **

**Ok, sorry, guys, just had to get that out! Hahaa! Thank you again, everyone, and I hope that you enjoy "Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures" number 10, "Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Train Trip" – and may there be many, many more "installments of insanity" to come! (Thanks, ookamilupin! That's probably one of the fairest assessments of these stories that there is! Hahaa!)**

**I do not own FMA – but I do have some of the best fans in the world:)**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Train Trip

Edward Elric limply made his way into the train station, stooped over and face glistening with sweat; his eyelids were drooped, and he appeared to either be about to fall asleep or pass out from heat stroke. Although, considering that he was practically in the middle of a desert and wearing pleathery pants, it was most likely the latter. 'Today is not a good day… at least I made Al stay in Central for this trip…' he thought. "… water…" he mumbled weakly as he closed his eyes and fell face down onto a bench on the station platform, his suitcase clunking to the ground beside him. A warm breeze rustled his damp hair. "Aaaaah… this wood feels nice and cool…" he murmured, only faintly aware of a beeping noise in the background. He opened one eye and looked around. The other passengers in the station, vainly trying to fan away the heat with hats and newspapers, were all looking at him funny. Not wanting to make a complete fool out of himself this early in the afternoon, Ed sat up and tried to act casual. 'Why are they all still staring at me?' Ed thought, looking around, still unaware of the beeping noise.

"A-_hem_!" a deep voice growled, making Ed jump. Slowly, cautiously, Ed turned around and looked up. A very fat, very sweaty police officer stood behind Edward, arms crossed and fingers tapping. He looked down his sweaty, bulbous nose at Edward, who blinked.

"Um… Can I help you?" Ed asked hollowly. 'What the hell is this guy's problem?' he thought. 'And what's that noise?'

"A-_hem_!" the policeman grunted again, pointing over his shoulder at the archway leading onto the platform. Ed leaned over, peering around the officer. He looked in surprise at a large, metal object, almost like a doorframe, that had a blinking red light at the top. He hadn't noticed it before, either, which in a strange way made sense because the unnoticed doorway was, in fact, the source of the unnoticed beeping noise – a very shrill beeping noise which was highly annoying – hence the funny looks from the passengers. Ed turned back around and stared at the glaring passengers, then stared into the officer's face.

"So…?" he asked, not really getting it. Dear, dear Edward… he was considered a genius all throughout Central, but sometimes he really made you wonder…

The officer frowned at the small blonde teenager in front of him. He furrowed his bushy eyebrows, and spoke.

"Is your brain as small as you are, or are you just dumb?"

Edward snapped. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY COULD GO 'SQUISH!' LIKE AN AMOEBA!" Ed screamed as he jumped up and down and waved his arms in the sticky heat.

"Very funny, little man," the officer snorted, "now come with me!"

"Errrrrrr! I am NOT SMALL!" Ed yelled as he pulled at his hair with clenched fists.

"I don't care what you are, just get over here! And bring your luggage!" the man huffed as he lumbered over to the machine.

"Fine! Damn #$!..." Ed cursed under his breath. He made his way over and stood in front of the machine, staring. 'I really don't want to have to deal with any of this…' he thought gloomily. The officer pushed a button on the machine. The machine stopped blinking and beeping. The passengers sighed with relief and resumed fanning themselves.

"Walk through," the officer ordered Edward.

Ed just stared at the machine. Then he stared at the officer. "What the hell is this thing, anyway?" he asked, pointing to the now-silent machine.

The officer stared at Edward. "… a metal detector…" he finally said, with a look that plainly stated to all the world just what he thought of the red-coated boy in front of him: the officer thought that Ed was about as dumb as a sack of rocks – and probably the same size, too.

Ed stared at the officer, with a look that plainly stated to all the world just what he thought of the uniformed man in front of him: Ed thought that the officer was about as dumb as a sack of $!# - and probably eight times the size, too.

They stared at each other like this for a while until Ed, in a voice dripping with "you're an idiot, you know that, don't you?" said, "… I have auto-mail, you know…"

The officer stared at Edward. He blinked.

Ed continued to stare at the officer. He raised his eyebrows. "Well?" he asked after several minutes of pointless staring.

"What the hell is that?" the officer asked, finally.

Ed almost fell over backwards. "'What the hell is auto-mail?' What do you mean? THIS is AUTO-MAIL!" Ed screamed as he rolled up his right coat-sleeve, exposing the gleaming steel to the sun.

The officer stared at Ed's arm. "Huh…" he grunted. "That's great, sonny, now walk through…" he said as he pointed to the metal-detector.

Ed slapped his fore-head – with his auto-mail hand, no less – a small cut appeared, and a little bit of blood began to trickle down his nose. Nevertheless, Ed walked through the metal detector. The machine began to beep. The officer made a face and turned off the machine. He threw Ed's suitcase through the metal detector. The machine began to beep, and the officer made another face before turning the machine off again. He had a very pissed-off Edward walk back through, upon which the machine began to beep, and the officer made another face and turned off the machine. This continued for about twenty minutes. Ed looked like he was about to scream, pull his hair out, or turn everyone in the station into banana pudding – Ed didn't know why, he just really liked banana pudding. But that wasn't the point – the point was, the dumb officer and his stupid metal detector were driving Ed crazy. 'I need some coffee, or some chocolate, or some crack, or something…' Ed groaned.

Finally the officer put his hands on his hips and declared to Edward, "Well, I'll be – it was picking up that metal arm of yours the whole time! Ok, sir, you can go and wait on the platform now," he said as he waved Edward away.

Ed stopped breathing. He stared at the officer. And then he screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"

Poor Ed – he really did need some coffee, or some chocolate, or some crack, or… uh-oh…

…

Roy sighed. This was turning out to be a terrible day. First he had to go out to Eastern Headquarters to show the new head officer around, and now he had to sit in this damned train for two hours until they reached Central. And on top of it all, Lieutenant Hawkeye had said that she had seen Fullmetal board at the last stop. That was ten minutes ago. 'Surely the little runt has found out where I am by now – then he's going to come and bug me for the rest of the trip!' Roy thought as he sighed again. Riza, who was sitting across from him in the reserved compartment, said nothing. Roy leaned his head against the train window – except that at that moment, the train jolted, causing Roy's head to be knocked against the window with a loud "Clunk!"

"Ow!" he shouted, rubbing at his head.

Riza continued to remain silent. Roy stared at her, then sighed, leaning back into his seat. 'I may as well try and sleep, then, while I have the chance…'

"SCREEEEEEEEEECH!" came the loud, grinding sound of metal on metal as the train applied its emergency brakes.

Roy, caught completely off guard, was pitched out of his seat and onto the floor at the Lieutenant's feet. Riza stared at him, then sighed.

"Honestly, sir, you really should pay more attention to your immediate surroundings," she said simply, unperturbed and un-moved by the sudden stop. Roy glared at her, but quickly forgot all about her comment as the shouts of angry passengers echoed back down the train. Riza opened the compartment door slightly in order to better hear what was going on.

"Where the hell are that kid's parents?"

"Honestly! Why hasn't someone arrested him yet?"

"What the hell does he think he's doing?"

"Damn hippies!"

Indignation suddenly turned into terror as the passengers' shouts became frightened screams, followed by a heavy thunking sound as passengers dropped down onto the ground to avoid the source of loud screech that was growing ever louder as it came up the train. Riza strained her ears to listen…

"WheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Shit!" Riza shouted as she quickly closed the door to the compartment. But she was too late…

"WHEEEEE! 'S' IS FOR 'DAVE'!" a thoroughly cracked-out Edward screeched as he blew down the train car and into the compartment.

"BAM!" Roy tackled Ed to the ground. Riza blinked. She had no idea that the Colonel was capable of something so sneaky, so powerful, so… _sexy_…

"You're not getting away from me, Fullmetal!" Roy shouted triumphantly to the squirming alchemist beneath him. Roy was beginning to sweat from the heat and from the sheer exhaustion of trying to hold down the cracked-out juggernaut.

"LEMME GO, LEMME GO! PINE BOARD! OCKEFENOKEE! LEMME GO, DAMIT, BEFORE I BUST YOUR BALLS!" Ed screamed as he tried to struggle free of Roy's grip. One had to wonder if Ed was going to start foaming at the mouth, soon…

Roy stared at Ed, his last comment just now registering. "Ex-_cuse_, me?" he asked Edward, "You're going to bust my _what_? What kind of lame threat is that, you little shrimp?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP, YOU FLAMING PIMP?" Ed shouted back in rage and clever rhyme scheme.

"Errrrr! Fullmetal, I'm – !"

"WAIT!" Ed screamed, causing Roy to stop mid-sentence and stare at the teenager he had pinned to the ground. Ed stared at Roy, then looked around slowly and lucidly whispered, "Smell the pita bread roasting on the roof…" before wrenching free of the dumb-struck Colonel and running towards the compartment door. Ed's escape was premature, however, as his legs made contact with Riza's stuck-out foot and he crashed to the ground, knocking himself out cold. Roy just stared at where Ed had been. '… pita bread…?' he thought. He quickly shook his head, snapping out of his dazed state, and immediately began to draw a transmutation circle on the cushion of the compartment seat, transmuting a rope to tie Ed up with. After the cracked-out and knocked-out Edward was securely hog-tied and placed on the compartment seat, Roy went to go and tell the conductor that it was now safe for the train to continue towards Central. The passengers cheered.

Roy went back to the compartment, securely closing the door before sitting next to Hawkeye, who was sitting opposite of Ed and looking at the sleeping blonde with a wary eye.

"Thank God! I thought we'd never be able to catch him!" Roy sighed in relief, breaking the silence of the compartment.

Riza turned and looked at Roy. Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist and her superior officer… although, not superior in _all_ things…

Roy noticed her staring at him. He shuddered. He really didn't want to know what was going through the Lieutenant's mind right now – whatever it was, it was probably bad news for him…

Riza gave a wicked grin.

Roy shuddered again. He knew that if it weren't for Ed being in the compartment with them, well… let's just say that despite being his subordinate, Riza usually always got her way through either smooth talking or coercion – and almost always the latter, thanks to her deadly guns and even deadlier aim. Such was the life of Roy Mustang… he sighed. Despite the evilly-grinning sniper beside him, Roy couldn't help but wonder, what drove Ed to the point of crack-needing insanity? He would soon find out… such was the life of Roy Mustang.

…

The train slowed to a stop in front of the platform, and the passengers all got off of the train, having to shuffle their way around the large suit of armor standing on the platform. Riza got off the train, carrying Ed's suitcase. Alphonse Elric saw the Lieutenant, and realized what she was holding. He hurried over to her.

"Lieutenant! Did something happen? Where's brother?" he asked, highly concerned.

Riza sighed. "Well, Al, your brother got into a bit of trouble on the train… The Colonel is bringing him now," she told Al as she handed him Ed's suitcase.

Al shook his head. 'Brother,' he thought, 'what on Earth have you done now?…'

Roy stepped off of the train, dragging along a tied-up and drowsy Edward, who, in his stupor, kept tripping over his own feet as he walked behind the Colonel. They reached Alphonse, who sighed at the sight of his brother.

"Ed, what did you do?" Al asked, slightly embarrassed by all of the passengers who stared and whispered to their companions things such as, "There's that little guy again! Damn hippy!"

Ed blinked, in too large of a drug-induced haze to notice the cracks at his height.

"Well," Roy said, "let's get him back to the dorms at headquarters, then – he'll need to sleep this one off…" Roy dragged Ed towards the exit, Riza and Alphonse behind him. However, first they needed to pass through a metal, beeping, and blinking doorway…

Riza stepped through first. Nothing happened. So the guard waved Riza on. Al went through next with Ed's suitcase. The machine beeped and blinked. The guard, apparently not noticing that Al was a giant, metal suit of armor, opened Ed's suitcase, found a pair of fingernail clippers and a metal tin of oil, deduced that that was what triggered the detector, and waved Al on. Next, Roy stepped through. Nothing happened, and so the guard waved Roy on. Then Roy pulled Ed through, and, lo and behold, the machine beeped and blinked. Ed looked around, eyes clear – whatever after-affects the crack had had on him were obviously gone. Ed sighed. 'Not again,' he thought as he pulled up his right coat-sleeve and showed the guard his auto-mail arm. The guard frowned.

"I don't know what set the machine, off – you'll have to go through again," the guard said to Edward. Edward turned red and glared at the officer, stomping back through and waiting with arms folded for the machine to be turned off. Once the detector stopped beeping, Ed marched back through, and – surprise, surprise, the detector was set off again by his auto-mail.

The guard scratched his head. "Well, maybe you have something in your pockets…"

Ed was now severely disgruntled. Roy shook his head and Riza just stared at the guard with a look that plainly stated, "men are such idiots…" Al stood close by, obviously nervous.

"Ed, take it easy, it'll be alright!" Al comforted. But after another twenty minutes of walking back and forth through a metal detector, not even Al could stop what was about to happen.

"I don't know what set the machine off this time, either – you'll have to go back through again," the guard shrugged.

Ed snapped. He pulled at his hair and gritted his teeth – it was all too much…

"YOU IDIOT! I HAVE AUTO-MAIL! AUTO-MAIL! MADE OF METAL! YOU SH – "

"Brother!" Al admonished. But he was too late… Ed had already pulled a plastic baggie from his pocket, the contents of which were… well… you know…

Angry golden eyes with large black pupils turned into something that can only be described as "cracked-out"…

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ed screamed, chasing the poor, pathetic guard down the streets of Central with a pair of fingernail clippers.

"Brother, wait!" Al shouted as he chased after his older, cracked-out brother.

The passengers stood silently and stared. Riza stared. Roy stared. A man walked by and shook his head. "Damn hippies…"

…

Riza sighed, thinking about the stressful events that the day had brought as she and Roy walked down the halls of Central Headquarters towards the Colonel's office. "You know, I could really do with some coffee, or some chocolate, or some sex, or something…"

Roy nodded. "Yeah, I know what you – " he stopped, Riza's last comment dawning on him like a sack of bricks hitting the pavement. He slowly turned and stared at her. … that smile… "Oh, God…"

He cried as Riza grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the break room. Roy sighed as tears silently flowed down his cheeks. Where was a cracked-out Ed when you needed him?…

…

**End.**

**Hahahaa! Ok, people, I severely cracked myself up on this one! Hope you liked it! Thanks again for all of your wonderful support and stories and fantastic and inspiring reviews! You people all rock so much! I love you all! (sniff!) Please continue to inspire and motivate me with your awesome stories and wonderful comments! See you guys next time! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee:)**


	11. Yumizuki's 'Winning' Adventure!

**Ok, peeps, here it is! "Adventures" number 11! Congratulations again to Yumizuki for submitting the 100th review! OH, and FYI – I'm going to hold one of these contests for every 50th review – these are more special than normal requests because I am bound to incorporate anything you provide me with! I will say, though, that I think it'd be cool if the next winner submitted words or places or something like that – unless you give me a lot to work with like Yumizuki here… Anyway, enough babbling! I have one (possibly two, I need to check) story ideas I need to get working on next, so have no fear! But once again, whoever submits the 150th review is the next "winner!" And now, for Yumizuki's winning "Adventure!" Laaa!**

**I do not own FMA – but have you guys seen the collector's box for DVD 10? Sweetness!**

Yumizuki's Cracked-Out Adventure

"Papa, papa, papa!" little Elysia squealed as she ran past the pond full of singing ducks and flew into her father's arms. A grinning yellow sun smiled down on then from a creamy pink sky.

"There's my little girl!" the misty form of Maes Hughes squealed back ads he fiercely cuddled his small daughter. Fluffy lamb puffs bleeped as they skipped around the loving pair.

"Your poor mommy!" Maes lamented, "A widow, having to raise you by herself!"

"No, daddy, she's not a widow – a maid does that now!  
Maes blinked, looking down at his daughter in surprise. "Dows what?" he asked her, confused.

Wash the windows! That's what widows do!"

Hughes laughed. "Oh, Elysia, you are sooooo cute!"

"And now that she's not a widow anymore, she's all mine and nobody else's!"

"Elysia," Maes lovingly chided, "that's awfully selfish of you!"

"Daddy!" Elysia cried out indignantly, placing her chubby little hands on her chubby little hips, "I'm not a fish, I'm Elysia!"

Hughes laughed as the ducks sang and the lamb puffs bleeped, until a large, purple foot crashed down onto the earth, and everything tumbled into darkness.

…

Bright red polka-dots shining in the darkness, streaks of lime green and electric blue zigzagging throughout, lit up by a shower of multi-colored shooting stars; a large "burp" followed by a "bang!" and then everything is covered in fog…

…

The sky brightened, and the fog condensed into white, pearly walls, the sun glinting off the marble. A large oak door opened, and Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye strode through, file in hand.

"Falman, Fuery, Havoc!" she barked.

"Yes, ma'am!" they shouted as they snapped to attention. A blue squid lolled lazily through the air in the ensuing silence.

Riza pulled out her gun. "You are three of the finest soldiers in Amestris, are you not?"

"Yes, ma'am!" they shouted. Though frightened by the gun coupled with Hawkeye's incredibly deadly aim, they had no need to fear – they were answering truthfully; they really were three of the finest soldiers in Amestris. Go figure.

"Good," Hawkeye said as she put the gun down. The men breathed sighs of rlief. "Here," she said, handing them each a mountain of paperwork that had popped out of nowhere.

They staggered under the weight, wide-eyed.

"These are your assignments," she told them coolly. "You are to complete these geometric series and sequences and the probability that they will occur using only your knowledge of the number of days in the month of July and the number of letters in the alphabet. Pretty simple, isn't it?"

The mens' heads reeled with all of the information, yet only one thing concerned them; Fuery opened his mouth to speak, but cowered under the weight of the papers and Hawkeye's stern gaze. He looked back at Falman and Havoc, who nodded to him encouragingly. Fuery gave a firm nod back. He would do it, he would ask her –

"Lieutenant," Fuery squeaked fiercely as the blue squid floated past his face, and the walls blinked yellow and green, "we have a question for you!"

"Yes?" she asked sternly.

"How many days are in July and now many letters are in the alphabet?"

Hawkeye stared blankly at the earnest and oh so serious soldiers. She then pulled out her pistol and began to shoot, a lavender smoke filling the room. When it cleared, the blue squid floated lazily through the empty, blood-spattered room. "Bloop," it said before the room began to spin and change colors.

…

Everything spun faster and faster until there was only a Technicolor blur. Then everything stopped; seconds later a sandstone temple appeared with a "pop!" Orange and green striped slugs oozed through the walls and the sandy ground, leaving behind a goopy chartreuse slime that bubbled and steamed. The door to the temple slammed open, and with a "whoosh" the door rushed up, leading to a long, dark tunnel.

…

Flashing lights shone at the end, and with another "whoosh" a room appeared, complete with altar, candles, and pews. An old man and a young woman stood at the altar, arms held high in the air.

"Oh, great Sun God!" they shouted, "Shower down Thy Snickers!"

And with those words, nutty and nougaty candy bars fell from the void above.

Rose Thomas whooped and jumped up and down. Father Cornello stuffed his face with chocolate.

Trap doors in the temple floor suddenly opened, swallowing up Rose, along with several slugs and Snickers bars; another long, dark tunnel had been entered, everything within it falling. From above could be seen the stubby legs of Father Cornello waving frantically back and forth – he had been too fat to fall through the trap door.

Back in the tunnel, Rose and the slugs vanished in a puff of periwinkle smoke. Only the Snickers remained, and as they fell they became different colors, covering the whole spectrum. Then the tunnel ended, and the Snickers bars fell with a chocolaty, colorful splat to the floor of the Central Military Headquarters break room.

…

Heymans Breda snored loudly on a bunk bed. Edward Elric angrily tried to chase the "blooping" blue squid, but got soon got tired, as it's nearly impossible to catch something that floats five feet above your head.

"Stupid blue squid," Edward muttered, yawning. He looked around. There was only one bun k in the room, and Breda was on it. 'Oh well,' Ed thought as he curled up at the foot of the cot by Breda's feet; he fidgeted for several minutes, trying to get as comfortable on the cot as he could, considering the (very) limited space.

Water began to cascade down the walls, and the soft sound of gently flowing water filled the room.

…

Breda's eyes snapped open. "Bathroom!" he grunted, still half-asleep. He started to get up when he saw it – that _thing_, that _monster_! It was waiting for him at the foot of his bed! Waiting to attack him in his sleep! It was –

"LABRADOR RETRIEVER!" Breda screamed as he quickly jumped from the cot and clambered his way up on top of a large, fuzzy pile of purple polka-dotted coconuts that was conveniently in the corner of the room.

Havoc, Fuery, and Falman rushed into the room as a sleepy Edward groggily got up to see what all of the commotion was about.

"Th-there, right there!" Breda cried as he pointed a shaky finger towards Ed. "L-labrador!" he managed to say before convulsing with fear.

Edward blinked. "What?" he asked, puzzled.

Suddenly, the fleece door to the break room was flung open with a resounding "whump," rather than a bang (the door was, after all, made of fleece), and ten military policemen wearing purple leotards and pink tutus bounded and pirouetted into the room as they raised their Daisy rifles at everyone in the room; everyone, that is, except for Breda, who was currently rocking back and forth and sucking his thumb atop the stack of now yellow and crimson (but still fuzzy!) coconuts. Havoc, Fuery, Falman, and Edward raised their hands slowly into the air – while a shot from a Daisy rifle was by no means deadly, it did hurt like a mother.

Then, the head police officer strode through the door. "I'm the Queen Fairy!" he announced as he straightened his tiara. "Now, what seems to be the problem? We got a call about a scream – a murder, perhaps? Illegal drug dealing? Robbery? Hmm?"

"Oh, no, officer, it's nothing like that!" Havoc said in relief. "What happened, see, is that – "

"Quiet, you pansy!" the officer barked, now resplendent in a gorilla suit. Havoc blinked, taken aback by the officer's rough mannerisms.

"You there," the officer said, facing Breda, "what happened?"

"L-labrador!" Breda stuttered before returning to quaking atop the pile neon green coconuts, which were now rattling due to all of Breda's shaking.

"Hmmm…" the officer said thoughtfully as he stroked his chin. "You there!" he shouted at Edward, brandishing a rubber chicken threateningly. "Are you a labrador in disguise?"

"Of course not!" Edward said hotly.

"Y-yes he is!" Breda squeaked from the coco-nutty corner of the room.

"Aha! Evidence! You're coming with me, dog!"

"I'm not a dog!" Ed shouted, severely pissed off.

"Well, you're yellow like one," the fairy queen – er, police officer, stated matter-of-factly, "and you're small like one, too!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALL?" Ed shouted as a volcano out in the hallway erupted, matching his mood. Shrimp fell from the sky, making "splat" noises as they hit the floor.

"Officer, it's just a misunderstanding!" Fuery pleaded as wiped his glasses free of shrimpy goo. "Edward, here, he's – "

"A labrador!" the officer shouted accusingly as he straightened his safari hat which had popped out of nowhere (but _did_ handily have an umbrella built into the top of it).

"NO I'M NOT!" Ed screamed.

The squid floated around the room, oblivious to the shouts, arguing and fighting below over whether or not Edward was, in fact, a labrador retriever; but the squid was terribly pleased with all of the free shrimp.

"ENOUGH!" Ed screamed as a fuzzy, sparkly, vermillion coconut sailed past his head. "Where's that bastard Colonel? He can clear all of this up!"

"Fine…" the officer sighed as he hiked up his lederhosen. He was terribly disappointed – having to leave a fight – and all that free shrimp, too!

And so they all left the shrimpy break room and marched towards the Colonel's office, Daisy rifles and all. Everyone, that is, except fro Breda – he ran home. And the blue squid – he went home with Breda.

Edward banged on the Colonel's flowery office door. "COLONEL!" he shouted as he pounded at the door with his metal fist, "OPEN UP, DAMN IT!"

There was no answer. The police officer ordered his men to shoot the door down. And so they fired their Daisy rifles at the door. Two hours later, the Colonel's office door fell to the ground, a bright pink, marshmellowy pile of goop.

The policemen marched over it, many being sucked in and re-emerging as flying monkeys with blue felt bowler derbys. Ed, Havoc, Fuery, Falman, and the police officer, who was now in a lime-green chicken suit, walked into the office and looked around. No one was there – save for a few red and green-striped penguins shuffling around by the Colonel's desk – and there was certainly nothing out of the ordinary.

"Damn it!" Edward growled. The officer began to stride towards him with a studded collar and leash. Seeing this, Ed desperately looked around for any sign of the Colonel. Suddenly, through the now-falling snow, he saw an ornately carved oak mahogany door. 'Odd,' he thought, 'I could've sworn that's never been here before!' Nevertheless, Ed lumbered over to it, having to pass through several snow drifts on his way. The others followed in his wake. They peered over his shoulder as Ed grasped the door's handle. Edward pulled, revealing –

…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Edward screamed as he bolted upright in bed. He sat and the edge of his bed, panting and trembling all over. He put a shaky hand to his brow, wiping away the cold sweat.

"Brother, what's wrong?" Alphonse cried out as he quickly came clanking into the room.

"It was so scary, Al, so scary…" Ed whimpered, covering his face with his hands as he tried to hold back the tears. The images flashed through his mind…

"What, brother, what? Did you have a bad dream? What did you see?" Alphonse asked hastily, presuming only the worst; he was very unnerved by how upset his older brother was. 'It must have been pretty awful,' Al thought, 'like some kind of "Twilight Zone," or purple feet, or orange penguins, or something scary like that…' Al began to panic.

"I saw… I saw…" Edward said through gritted teeth, mind in complete and utter anguish. "I saw… Roy and Riza making out in a closet!" Ed cried out, sobbing.

Alphonse sighed and quietly patted his brother on the back, trying to soothe him.

'That's the last time,' Ed thought with a final shudder, 'that I _EVER_ take crack before going to sleep!'

…

**Fin.**

**Hahaaa! Once again, congrats, Yumizuki! Hope you guys continue to read and review my "Adventures" story! And remember, if you do review, you just might get lucky and be my 150th reviewer and win! Wheeeeeeeee! See you next time, my cracked-out readers:)**


	12. Ed's Cracked Out Drug Dealer

**Hello everyone! Long time no see! I'm so horrible! (bad author! Bad author!) I have a whole list of ideas, etc. that you guys have supplied me with, and I'm just now updating! I'm so sorry! I've been so busy! That and I spent 5 days writing this one story, only to decide once I finished that I'd wait to release it on Halloween! I'm such a loser! Anyway, this is just a short little one that'll help me get back on my cracked-out feet after so long of a break between stories! Big thanks to Fullmetalfan and Spirit-Chan for their great ideas! Just read the reviews page to find out what they supplied me with! You guys rock! Oh, and don't worry everyone who's been submitting ideas to me! I have a huge list of names and ideas! I'm gradually working through them all, I promise!**

**Disclaimer: I can't believe I just now thought of putting this up, but here goes!... Don't do drugs, kids, m'kay? Edward is a trained crack professional! Don't try anything that he does (or any drugs period, for that matter!) I don't endorse drug use in any way – it just so happens that it's such an unlikely topic to be linked with Edward that my inner comedian couldn't resist! So, think of it this way: I'm not endorsing drugs, I'm making fun of them! Get it? Got it? Good! Now enjoy the very short, very funny chapter!**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures: Ed's Supplier

Edward Elric sat in a bathtub in one of the large bathrooms of Central Command, eating a loaf of bread and playing with his pocket-whale. He nibbled happily as he splashed the pocket-whale furiously up and down in the water with great splashes. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"Who's your daddy?" a voice whispered hurriedly on the other side.

Ed's face lit up in a big, cracked-out smile. "You are!" he cried as he sprang from the bathtub and ran towards the door (don't worry, he was wearing swim-trunks!), leaving the loaf of bread floating limply in the bath water; the pocket-whale breathed a sigh of relief. It was beginning to get a headache…

Ed ripped the door open, and standing on the other side was – General Hakuro!

"Quick, Ed, let me in!" the general beseeched, making hasty glances around himself. Ed held the door open wider, allowing the military officer access to the bathroom. Hakuro stepped in, then looked quizzically at Edward. "You were taking a bath?" he asked.

Edward shrugged. "Why not? You told me to meet you in this bathroom, so I may as well have some fun while I wait!"

"Well, yeah, sure, Ed, that's great…" Hakuro said distractedly, "but a _loaf of bread?_ And what the hell's with that whale?"

Ed shrugged again. The pocket-whale sobbed – no one understood him!

The general sighed. "Anyway, Edward, here you go – straight from the underground drug rings of Lior!"

Ed gleefully jumped up and down, clapping his hands. He was going to have so much fun…

Hakuro smiled, mind formulating great and glorious plans. He was going to have so much fun making his suck-up subordinate's life a living hell…

…

"WHEEEEEEEEEE! SPERM WHALE!" a very cracked-out Fullmetal Alchemist screamed as he ran down the halls and past Roy's office a few minutes later.

Roy groaned, banging his head on his desk. Where the hell did the kid even _get_ all that crack?

General Hakuro poked his head into Roy's office, chuckling as Ed ran screaming by in the opposite direction. "Cracked-out again? Sorry, Roy! That's some tough luck!"

"Bastard…" Roy muttered under his breath as his superior gave a friendly wave and walked back down the hall, laughing. "Just you wait 'til I get my hands on the guy who keeps giving Ed this shit!"

Ahh! The irony!

…

"Hello?" the pocket-whale called out, looking around desperately for someone to get him out of this god-forsaken bathtub. Suddenly he spotted the soggy loaf of bread heading straight towards him. "Damn!" he cried out as the bread ran him over. He just wasn't having a very good day…

…

**Hahhaa! That was actually pretty fun! Sorry to anyone who thought it was stupid and bad! I liked it! Heeheehee! Once again, sorry for there not being any updates for so long! I promise I'll do better this year! (school year, that is! Thank god for American Government – it's quickly turning out to be the only time that I have during the day to write!) Please review! And give me more ideas!**


	13. Happy 600 pages, Royai thread!

**Hello, everyone! Long time no see! It's going to be a while in-between stories now, since I'm working on college applications… stupid essays… Anyway! Here's a fun little piece I wrote for everyone on the Royai forum thread at (take out the spaces) www . fullmetal – alchemist . com The thread celebrated its 600th page, and to celebrate, I decided to write an on-the-spot story! I asked for three words from the three posters following my "declaration," and stated that I would not save the story in between – I would do it all at once! Which is what I did! I hope you all enjoy it, and please come visit us all on the thread sometime! It's a really cool site! It's huge! Well, then, here we go!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA – and don't do drugs!**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures #13 - 600 Page Special! 

Words: Rain, Sleep, Agony – Thanks **Tombow**, **Untitled**, and **Nil-chan**!

**Start Time: 1:15 pm**

Roy stared out his office window and sighed as he watched the early morning rain pelt the window, trickles of water melting down the glass. He hated the rain... hated it, hated it, hated it... He sighed. He would never be able to get any work done now... rain always made him feel drowsy... and...

"USELESS!!" Edward Elric screamed as he ran down the hall and past Roy's open office door.

Roy stood up with a jerk, hands slamming down on his desk. "EDWARD! GET BACK HERE!" he yelled after his subordinate. But he knew it was no use... whenever Ed was hopped up on illegal substances he didn't listen to anyone...

"Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech... BANG!! clatterclatter..."

Roy perked up in surprise. "What the..."

Ed came bolting around the doorway, covered in dust and garbage. He saluted briskly. "YOU CALLED, COLONEL SHIT-HEAD?!" he screamed, eyes dialated and a huge, cracked-out smile on his face.

Roy looked on in surprise - Ed had actually come when he called?! Then he realized what Ed had called him, and seethed, about to errupt at Edward's behavior and belittling comments when he suddenly closed his eyes and slouched down into his seat. He felt oddly tired all of a sudden... why was that...? 'Oh, yeah,' he thought with a groan, 'I haven't slept in three days...'

Edward, his attention span having reached its maximum, threw his arms up in the air, and yelled, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! PICKLED DAISIES!!!!!!!! WAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" And away he went, running down the hallway screaming, tripping back over the trash can Havoc had just righted.

Havoc's curses carried down the hall, floating into Roy's office. Yet the expletives fell on deaf ears - Roy was out like a light. Three days straight of paperwork and no sleep had left him exhausted, and it would take a train crashing through his window to wake him up. And, since that was unlikely, his office being on the third floor, he slept on.

Lieutenant Hawkeye walked into the room, papers stacked high in her arms, covering her face.

"Colonel?" came her muffled voice, "I have some more papers for you - after this you can go home and..." her voice trailed off as she poked her head around and peered at her commanding officer, sound asleep at his desk, his arms cushioning his head. Riza gently set the papers down and quietly walked up to his sleeping figure. There was total silence save the rain drumming out its staccato rythym on the window. She stood over him and gently, slowly, reached out a hand to touch his soft, warm cheek - but stopped. Feelings gnawed away inside her - feelings of love, guilt, and agony - she wanted so badly to touch his skin, to stroke his raven-black hair... but her duties to the state stopped her - she couldn't do it - wasn't allowed to - and yet... she wanted to so badly...

"So, you wanna get it on with Mustang?" a voice whispered from behind her.

Riza nearly jumped out of her skin. She whirled around, pistol out and safety off.

Edward, dressed in a tan trench coat, sunglasses, and a brown fedora hat. She stared at him with a mixture of indignation, agreement, and good ol' fashioned shock. She had no idea what to make of him... Her mind raced furiously, trying its best to cope with this rather strange and awkward situation. Roy continued to sleep soundly.

After a moment she dumbly nodded - then paused - and shook her head vigorously. "No! No - Yes - No - I mean no! NO!!"

"Suit yourself, then," Edward said with a grin as he turned to leave.

Riza gnawed at her bottom lip - how could she pass this up?! "WAIT!" she called out, reaching a hand towards her cloaked saviour.

Edward turned. "Yes?" he asked, traces of a smile in his voice.

"I... I..." she tried to say it, but it wouldn't come out... She composed herself, firmly resolving herself to this course of action. "How much do you charge?" she asked cooly.

Ed's face broke out into the biggest, most cracked-out grin yet.

Roy slowly opened his eyes, yawning. He slowly sat up in his office chair, stretching as he looked out the still-rain-streaked window. He sighed... It was _still_ raining... He looked up at the clock - 7:30 pm. It had been raining the whole day... "Oh, NO!!" he gasped as he jumped up from his chair and bolted towards the door. He jerked it open and ran down the hall. As he sprinted towards the break room he ran into his gun-wielding first Lieutenant.

"Riza!" he shouted as he took a step back. "I'm sorry! Please forgive me!"

Hawkeye gave him a puzzled look. "What do you mean, Colonel?"

"I fell asleep," he said nervously, "and I..." he was about to say "didn't finish my paperwork" when a flood of memories and emotions coursed through his body. His face softened.

Riza peered at him, worried. "Colonel? What happened?"

"And I... had the most wonderful dream..." he said, voice misty. He gazed at her with calm eyes - her, the object of his most beautiful dream...

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I'll go finish my paperwork now..." he said, face calm and handsome and his voice deep and sorrowful - he walked back to his office and sat down once again at his desk behind the rain-streaked window. It filled him with a crushing agony that everything that he had envisioned wasn't real, but only been a dream while he was asleep...

Riza Hawkeye continued to slowly walk down the hallway, face flushed and beautiful and just a little sad. It filled her with happiness and joy that everything that had happened was real, and not just some beautiful dream. Yet it did fill her with a furious agony that she had spent all of her money on what turned out to be Niquil...

Edward Elric laughed as he ran through the rain-soaked streets of Central, overjoyed that he now had money he could spend at Central's black market. Yet he couldn't help but feel a little bit of agony in that such a clever scheme could never work again... But then he let out a loud, cracked-out laugh - he'd still be able to make some more money out of this - next time he'd ask _Roy_! "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! 600 PAGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ed screamed as he ran off into the rain...

... End ...

**End time: 1:55 pm**

**Well, what did you all think? Not too shabby for 40 minutes! Haha! (actually it was a little less… it was 1:55 when I remembered to look at the clock after I completed the post the story was in!) I'm such a dunce… Well, I'll get on to all of the "commissioned" pieces here in a bit, just as soon as: 1) I finish up my college essays and history power point, and 2) I type up and submit the special story I did for Halloween! It was one that's been on my waiting list, and I was working on it a few months ago and decided that I just had to wait to do it for Halloween! It's been so tough! I really want to post it! Ngggh! I hope you all check back here on the 31st! See everyone later! Please review!**


	14. A Halloween Adventure Special!

**Hello, everyone! Here we are again, back to stories submitted to me from readers like you! Tonight's special is from the true stories (more or less) or Jazzy Power Chair and Kyoko! Have fun with it and let me know what you think! (I've actually put author's notes in the text this time – go figure!) **

**I do not own FMA – and don't do drugs, m'kay? **

**I know this is off topic, but I had to say it… This was in response to a comment from a friend of mine after she read this chapter… **

"**The cracked-out adventures aren't all about sex! It's about what would happen if Ed did crack… it just so happens that a few people get raped each chapter, that's all…"**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures 14** – **Roy's Halloween Special!

"Edward Elric, sir!" Lieutenant Havoc shouted as he tried to catch up to the young state alchemist and his clan king armor-bodied brother.

"Yes?" Ed asked as he turned, stopping so that Havoc would have an easier time of catching up.

Havoc stopped in front of the Elric brothers, panting du to the physical exertion of running coupled with all of the tar in his lungs from smoking so many cigarettes. "The… Colonel… wants… to… see… you…" he wheezed.

Ed sighed. "Al, you stay with him, I'll be right back."

"Sure, Ed," Al replied before tending to the blue-faced Lieutenant.

Ed slowly made his way to the Colonel's office, grumbling. "Bastard colonel… what does he want now?" A few minutes later Ed knocked on the door to the Colonel's office.

"Come in," a gruff voice called out.

Ed walked into the office, slamming the door behind himself. He stood in front of the Colonel's desk. "What do you want?" he asked huffily.

Roy Mustang looked up at Edward with a slight grin. "Now, now, Edward, be nice! After all, you'll be thanking me after I tell you this next one!"

"What are you talking about?" Ed asked, narrowing his eyes at Roy.

The colonel gave another crafty grin. "As you know," he told Edward smoothly, "We'll be having some new alchemists here at Eastern Headquarters soon…"

Ed slowly began to grin, a wild look gleaming in his eyes.

Roy smiled. Edward had understood. "Good. Now that we're on the same page, I expect to see you at the Waterford Hotel in Central on Saturday night at 1700 hours."

"Thanks, Colonel," Edward said as he left the office. _This_ would be _good_…

…

"Welcome, gentlemen," Roy Mustang said, beaming at the men assembled in front of him. "You are here because you are the best of the best – the greatest of the greatest – the alchemists worthy of a state title!" Everyone applauded. Roy waited patiently for them to quiet down, and then continued. "You are here tonight so that we may recognize your efforts, and to finalize your induction into the illustrious rank of the State Alchemists!" These words were met with even more wild cheering. Roy smiled. Those men wouldn't be cheering for long…

…

A few minutes later, the new alchemists were indeed _not_ laughing. They had food in their hair, feathers sticking out of their pants, and stage makeup on their faces. What was supposed to be an induction ceremony was actually a twisted rite of initiation. The new alchemists were now being led around the hotel lobby (crowded with visitors to Central, of course) and instructed to make various animal noises while hopping up and down and spinning in circles, all the while being blind-folded. The only reason that the new recruits knew that they were being paraded through the lobby was the roars of laughter and clapping coming from the other guests. No one had uniforms on, so all the guests just assumed that it was some kind of weird, cracked-out secret society. Secret society, no. Cracked-out? Well, just maybe…

…

Troy Sedgewick sighed as he carefully sat down on the bed in his hotel room. He winced. Just a while ago he had been christened "The Impenetrable Alchemist;" yet even his alchemical defenses couldn't protect him from what the Crimson Alchemist, Zolf J. Kimbley, had in mind for him. Troy shuddered at the memory of the very cool, very menacing, alchemist. He winced again as he gingerly massaged his aching rump.

"bang!"

Troy jumped to his feet. "What was that?"

"Bang!" the sound was growing louder, and it was headed towards… Troy's _room?_

"BANG!" the door crashed open and Troy screamed. Several people, alchemists and civilians alike, ran to the room to see what all the noise was about. But to their horror, no one was there – all that was in the room was a red, sticky substance – something that looked strangely like blood…

…

Roy Mustang stood with Majors Kimbley and Armstrong, their backs to the newly inducted alchemists lined up behind them at attention. Roy smirked. All of the civilians had been evacuated from the hotel – all was going according to plan…

…

Alphonse Elric, in the break room at Central Headquarters, was panicking. He had just heard a news report over the radio – the fancy hotel that Ed was at was being attacked – by _ghosts!_ A/N – gotta love Al! XD He paced back and forth across the room until he had made up his mind. A few seconds later the room was empty, and the streets of Central were filled with the sounds of clanking armor.

…

"Bam!" one of the new state alchemists, Lloyd Greenwood, "The Green Thumb Alchemist," kicked open the door to the kitchen of the evacuated hotel, gun at the ready. He looked around. No one was there…

"GIANT PICKLE!" a voice screeched. Lloyd quickly turned around, but it was too late – he was being pelted with giant pickles and couldn't see – or do – a thing. As quickly as it started, the barrage stopped. Lloyd, bruised, soggy, and slightly stinky, blinked and looked around, trying to find his attacker while drawing a transmutation circle on the wall next to him. H would catch this person – or thing – no matter what!

"BANANA PUDDING!" the voice shouted again, swiftly followed by globs of banana pudding, sailing through the room.

"Gaaaaah!" Lloyd shouted as he ran furiously towards the exit, smacking into all manner of furnishings and equipment.

"AHAHAHAAAAA!" the sounds of crazed laughter pealed throughout the room. A pair of wild eyes glowed from above. Lloyd panicked, the Cheshire-cat-like grin chilling his blood. In his haste to leave he tripped over a mixer, sending pots and pans flying; the gun clattered to the floor and went off with a resounding "BANG!" followed by a sharp "zing!" There was a howl of rage and a scream, and then all was quiet.

…

Roy ran up the steps, frantically taking them two at a time. Something was wrong – he wasn't supposed to have heard a gunshot – the men weren't even _supposed_ to have guns! "They're supposed to be fighting ghosts, for crying out loud!" Roy shouted, trying to wrap his mind around the situation. "Who the hell shoots a ghost?" He burst into the room – the gun lay on the floor, abandoned next to the pile of upturned pots – a single bullet embedded a few feet away in the concrete floor, sticking at an odd angle. Roy breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, at least it just ricocheted off of his auto-mail." Roy began to leave the room, looking around himself one last time before deciding to throw in the towel – as fun as this was, Roy knew that it was becoming too risky and far too dangerous. He resignedly walked back down the stairs, disappointed and depressed about having to end it before the night was even part way through. He closed his eyes and leaned in the doorway to the ballroom, heaving a big sigh. When he opened his eyes again he almost screamed – no one was there – where there was once enough people for an army, there was now only pools of that red, sticky substance that looked a lot like blood.

…

Alphonse ran into the hotel, ignoring the shouts of the guards and reporters outside the door. He looked around quickly, completely ignoring the opulence of the dining room, the grandeur of the entryway, and the destructive signs of alchemical warfare. He only saw one thing – Colonel Mustang, sitting slumped outside a doorway on his hands an knees, white as a sheet. "Colonel!" Al shouted, running towards him. Roy didn't move. "Colonel, what's happened? What's going – Wha?" Alphonse gasped, skidding to a stop in the doorway. "What's going on, Colonel" Please, tell me! Is my brother alright?" Al asked frantically, turning and searching Roy's pale face for the answers he so desperately wanted.

Roy slowly shook his head, eyes wide and unblinking. "It was all supposed to be a big joke," he said weakly, giving a small, limp shrug. "But then…"

"Then what?" Alphonse shouted, resisting the urge to jerk Mustang to his feet. "What happened?"

"… he snapped…"

Alphonse's arms went loosely to his side. He slowly straightened up and looked forlornly at the large red letters covering the opposite wall.

"WE LOVE-A DE BONG!" was scrawled along the gold, textured surface of the wall with that red, sticky substance that looked strangely like blood, small pickles peppering the room all the way around, and all Roy and Al could do was stare.

…

Loose, giddy laughter echoed throughout a great, smoke-shrouded room 20 feet below the hotel. Hazy gold eyes surrounded by halos of pink glowed in the darkness, and then there was an eruption of noise.

…

Alphonse and Roy raced down the stairs to the basement, the sounds of their running footsteps coupled with the echoing screams and howls from below them reverberating through their entire beings – it was enough to make anyone's blood run cold through their veins. Nonetheless, Al and Roy pressed on, the cool, drafty air from the basement blasting them in the face as they reached the end of the stairs – the sounds reached a frenzied pitch. Roy hung back for a moment. Alphonse noticed this and, giving a tinny shudder, pushed past the Colonel and gripped the handle to the door. As he opened it a piercing shriek rang out. Al stood stock still for a moment, then, steeling his nerve A/N: haha! Armor pun!, barreled through the door and into the darkened room. Roy gulped and looked around – no one was there. He spun around and ran through the open doorway after the giant suit of armor…

"BANGGGG!"

"Gaaah! Alphonse!" Roy shouted as he held up a hand to his bloody nose, a sizeable bump appearing on his forehead.

Al turned around, groping blindly in the dark. "Colonel? I'm sorry, sir! Where are you?" he asked concernedly.

"Down here…" Mustang told him in a muffled, nasally voice.

Alphonse slowly crouched down and reached a hand out, finding Roy's arm. "I'm sorry, Colonel – are you hurt?" Roy groaned in reply. Al sighed. "I'm really sorry, sir," he implored quietly, "it's just that it was so dark, and I couldn't see where I was going…"

Roy thought a moment. Suddenly a light-bulb came on in his mind. Roy smacked his forehead at his own stupidity – something that he proved a second time by howling in pain, his forehead throbbing already after having run into Al.

Alphonse leaned in to closer to peer into Roy's tear-streamed face. "Oh, Colonel! You have a huge bump on your forehead! Are you sure you're ok?"

Roy gritted his teeth. "Yes, yes, I'm fine – let's just get going before the state sends the military police in."

Al stood and nodded. "Right!"

Roy got up and, one hand to his bloodied nose, lifted his other hand – now gloved – before snapping his fingers. A small, flickering flame lit up the dark room. Al and Roy both gasped – the red, sticky substance that looked an awful lot like blood was everywhere – the floors, the wall, the ceiling – guns were scattered on the ground, and broken jars of pickles were littered throughout. Roy and Al moved slowly and cautiously through the room to the other side. There was another door, and all of the noises that they had been hearing seemed to be coming from the other side. Roy and Al stopped and stared at the door, then at each other. They gave each other a firm, solemn nod – they were ready. Roy tightly gripped the cold, wet handle and turned it – the metal creaked. Roy swiftly pushed the door open, and the noise reached a full roar.

…

"Alright, I need three units to go in – red squad, you follow up with Alpha division, blue squad, I need to…"

A group of men, dressed in white, quietly watched the goings-on of the military police from a short distance. The light from the street lamps cut through the darkness, illuminating the men and casing an eerie light on the bifocals the wore, causing them to appear like there was fire within their eyes – small smiles covered their faces, adding to their sinister appearance.

…

Inside the hotel there was dead silence – no one moved and no one breathed – mostly because there was non one there. Only one sign of life presented itself – the dim, spine-chilling screams that were still coming from one of the abandoned storage rooms deep in the hotel's basement.

…

"BANG!" the door to the first abandoned basement room was suddenly and forcefully knocked open. Entire divisions of military police, armed to the teeth with weapons, body armor, and gas masks, surged through. As they reached the other end of the shambled room the lead MP raised a silent hand – the men grew deathly quiet, eyes trained in apprehension to the door ahead. The noises and screams could still be audibly heard over the squawks of the men's radios. They took a collective breath as the squad commander lifted his gun and proceeded to kick the final door down…

…

Several minutes later the sinister men in white coats were leading the alchemists towards large white vans which would take them all far, far away to a happy, special place called the Central City Drug Rehabilitation Clinic. The MPs grumbled and argued as they left the hotel, gas masks in hand – they were all upset that _they_ hadn't been invited to the pot party, too…

**Hahaha! So, what did you think? I'm serious, I've become so overly jaded to my work – this doesn't really seem all that funny to me… Hmm… what do you all think? And boy, was I stupid! I updated that other cracked-out story, not realizing that it was #13 – I should've waited and made this one #13! Oh, well – keep on reading, guys, and keep on sending me in stories! I hope to be doing at least one update a month now, if not more (until I catch up w/ everything I want to do, that is!) Please review! I always love hearing from you! See you soon! **

**Oh, and… Bwahahahaaa! HAPPY HALLOWEEN! **


	15. Roy and Havoc Do Crack: Ed's Party!

**Hello everyone, and welcome to 2007! I'm graduating in less than 5 months! Woohoo! Well, I'd just like to start off by apologizing… I meant to do a lot of updates over the break, but ended up being sick or grounded for the entire break (I was only grounded for two days, and I grounded myself… It actually worked… my parents aren't mad at me anymore!), and didn't get to anything at all that I had planned to do, including college applications. **

**I don't like making New Year's resolutions, but this year I really, really want to do one, and I think I can make it work: my resolution is to write a little bit each day, and to post something, ANYTHING at least two times per month (every other Saturday). This goes for all my stories, mind. Now, I know that that doesn't sound like a lot, but any college-bound student (or one already in college) could back me up in that just posting two times per month is going to put my schedule way over the top. So – I'm doing my best, I promise!**

**Ok, today's cracked-out installment is brought to us by… (drum-roll): Falcon226 and Yumizuki! Yaaaay! Thanks, you guys! Keep sending me all of your fun and potentially cracked-out stories, ok? I love to hear from all of you! **

**And speaking of hearing from people, I've decided to do a Q&A session for one of my other stories, if you guys are interested, or have any questions for me about "Adventures," etc., I'd be more than happy to do a similar session for this set of stories! If you have a question, then drop me a P.M. or just say so when you review! (You are all reviewing, aren't you?) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any FMA character, and I do not in any way support the use of drugs or the misuse of alcohol – I just think it's hilarious when tv characters get high. **

Roy and Havoc's Cracked-Out Adventures: Ed's Party

"What are we doing here again?" Roy Mustang grumbled as he slouched in his seat at the back of the dimly-lit room, the happy, shining lights of the disco ball contrasting sharply with his less-than-happy mood.

Jean Havoc laughed. "We're here for the kid's birthday party, remember?"

"Huh. What's so special about turning sixteen?" Roy muttered, eyes glazed over and staring at nothing in particular.

Havoc nudged his friend in the side playfully. "Aw, come on, don't tell me you weren't excited when you were sixteen? Besides, it's a great opportunity to see the Lieutenant get smashed."

Perking up slightly at this argument, the Flame Alchemist couldn't help but agree. He casually scanned the crowd, looking for some sign of a sniper gone wild.

"Don't bother, she hasn't been near the bar yet," Havoc told him. Roy slumped back down again. "Quit being so moody, Roy! We're here to have fun!"

Roy glared at him out of the corner of his eye. "Fun, huh?"

"Yeah, fun! Like dancing or something!" Havoc said enthusiastically, hoping that maybe enthusiasm would be contagious in Mustang's case. It wasn't.

"How the hell am I supposed to have fun," Roy muttered as he looked his subordinate full in the face, "when I'm now the Master of Hopping?"

Havoc was silent. Completely silent. The room wasn't silent though, thanks to the thudding of the bases in the background and the loud music. He leaned closer towards Roy, thinking that maybe the racket was resulting in hearing loss. "What was that, Colonel?"

"I said," Mustang told him in a dangerously low tone, "how the hell am I supposed to have fun when I'm now the Master of Hopping?"

Havoc stared blankly at him, while inside he was writhing with turmoil. 'HOLY SHIT! MUSTANG'S GONE OFF THE DEEP END! Did he get into Ed's stash?'

Mustang mutely answered these unasked questions by propping his foot up on the cheerfully-decorated table.

Havoc stared at the foot, wide-eyed. 'Yup, he's gone…'

"Well?" Mustang asked darkly, waiting for Havoc's response.

"Well, no wonder you can't have fun, sir, you're missing your shoe."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT'S BOTHERING ME!" Roy shouted, completely and utterly vexed beyond the point of reason, "Look at my ankle!" he demanded.

Havoc did look. After a close inspection he finally sighed, clicking his tongue and shaking his head back and forth slowly. "You really have gone off the deep end, haven't you, chief?"

Roy began to tear at his hair. "My ankle!" Roy hissed. "I twisted it! It's sprained!"

Havoc looked at it again. "It is?"

"YES!" Roy shouted. "It's swollen!"

Havoc peered more closely. "Ohhhhh!" he said finally, the little light-bulb clicking on in his head. "It was hard to tell with your sock in the way. That and the lighting's bad," he said casually.

Roy banged his head on the wall behind him.

Havoc grinned. He loved doing stuff like this. 'But now to be serious…' he thought, becoming somber. "Roy?" he asked seriously.

Roy stopped banging his head and looked at Havoc, slightly surprised. It wasn't like Havoc to talk in such a manner unless something was really, _really_ screwed-up. "Yeah?" he asked, just a little apprehensively.

Havoc looked at him straight in the eyes, tight-lipped and deadly serious. He slowly opened his mouth to speak…

Roy held his breath, shutting out the loud music and training his ears on Jean's every word…

"How the hell does that make you the Master of Hopping?"

Roy's jaw looked like it was going to fall off of his face. He was expecting something big and dangerous – like that Fuery was a homunculus, or that Riza was drunk out of her mind (which, unbeknownst to him, she was). "B-because," he finally spluttered out after regaining his ability to speak, "I've had to hop around on one foot all evening! I was forced into a dance with the wife of some big-wig, and then I twisted my ankle, and now I've become the Master of Hopping – haven't you noticed?"

Jean fidgeted slightly. "Um, no… sorry."

"What do you mean? Everyone saw me! They were all laughing at me!"

"I guess I wasn't around, chief, sorry," Havoc laughed in a nervous manner as he loosened his tie, his eyes no longer focused on Mustang but flitting from object to object across the room.

Mustang eyed him suspiciously. "Oh? Well, where were you, then?"

"Umm…"

Roy stared at Havoc, his eyes narrowing as Havoc started squirming in his seat. Suddenly, the little light-bulb in Roy's head went on. His eyes went wide and his jaw began to drop again. He turned around in his chair so fast that his propped foot hit the floor with a thud, as it found itself propped on air. Roy winced, but it didn't deter him. "You didn't…" he said slowly, not wanting to believe it.

Havoc nervously scratched at his head, trying desperately to avoid Mustang's eyes. "Um, well…"

"Holy crap, you DID!"

"You see…"

"YOU WERE GETTING HIGH WITH ED IN THE BATHROOM, WEREN'T YOU?"

"Uhhh," Havoc stuttered with a nervous smile, "not _just_ Ed… A-and I didn't actually smoke anything! I just stood there! Honest! I smoked my own cigarettes!"

Mustang glared at his subordinate. "What happened to the security guards? Weren't they supposed to make sure that no one smokes in the building?"

Havoc gave another smaller, more nervous laugh. "Uh… I told you we weren't alone…"

Mustang resumed banging his head against the wall, effectively chipping the paint…

**Meanwhile…**

"WOOOOOO! PAR-TAAAAAAY!" a boozed-up Riza Hawkeye shouted as she waved a tequila bottle in the air from the middle of the dance floor. "Oh my gawd, you guys, watch this, ok? It's this great new dance!" she giggled manically as she situated herself in the middle of a small clearing made by similarly-drunken onlookers.

Riza began to dance, a funky, peppy little dance. Somewhere between Salsa and God-knows-what. She grabbed the arm of a dark-haired man next to her, whipping him around and bringing him close. She hiked up her leg, wrapping it around his waist as she continued to dance and wave around the tequila bottle.

Maes Hughes stared at her, awkwardness and disgust written all over his face. "I'm not your stripper pole!"

Riza blinked a few times, then began laughing. "Oh my gawd, I'm so, so, so-so-so-so-so sorry! Wrong person!" She snorted, then began looking around the dance floor. "Now where the hell did Roy run off to, then?"

**Meanwhile…**

A certain blonde-haired birthday boy stood in front of one of the gaily-decorated tables, swaying back and forth and squinting his eyes, concentrating furiously on a festive ball ornament with little glittery spikes all over it. He blinked furiously, then rubbed his eyes with his fists. He squinted again, and blinked again. "Fuzzy banana?" he asked quizzically as he fell over onto the floor in a drug-induced stupor.

**The end! I kind of went in a different direction with this one, didn't I? New format and whatnot… Did you guys like it? Something new, something fresh… I may not do it each time, but… yeah! Well, thank you, everyone, for always being so patient with my spastic updates! I value you all! Send me a review, stories, suggestions, and/or questions! Oh, and leave the flaming to Roy, would you?**


	16. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Adventure 2x!

**Alright, everybody, here we go! So, I've been pretty good so far with my resolution, right? Right? … Anyway, thanks to the following for today's adventure: Nightmare Rose, Roy-Fan-33, and ****Winterhart Zahneel Calina**

**Now, Winterhart ZC didn't actually _submit_ anything funny – Rose and Roy-Fan did. All that Winter here did was remind me of how she had inspired the very first "Roy & Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures," which gave me the inspiration to write all of the rest. **

**So, "Happy Birthday," "Adventures!" You're 16 stories old, and you've had over 8,000 hits to date! To celebrate, I present to all of you a "commemorative-edition" installment of "Adventures!" **

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventure… Again…

Roy Mustang sat in the passenger seat of the car, gloomily looking out of the window – he hated giving reports in person.

"Sigh…"

"Is something the matter, Colonel?" Riza Hawkeye, his right-hand woman, asked him.

"Yeah… I hate giving reports…"

"I'm sorry to hear that, sir," Riza replied, turning her attention back to the matter at hand: driving the grumpy colonel safely to Central City headquarters.

"I don't know… I just wish that something – something exciting would happen once in a while!" Roy whined. Yet, for some reason, he couldn't help but feeling uneasy about all of this… He couldn't help but think that this had all happened before… But a misplaced feeling of Dejavu should have been the last thing on his mind – seeing as how in a few short sentences he would get his wish for an adventure… a very _cracked-out_ adventure…

…

Riza was driving the car down a side road when suddenly a person ran out in front of the car.

"Shit!" Riza swore, swerving to avoid hitting the idiot.

"What the – ?!" Roy shouted, hanging on for dear life.

"POP!"

"Damnit! What the hell was that?!" Roy asked as soon as the car had screeched to a halt at the side of the road.

"I believe that was our tire popping, Colonel," Riza told him, smoothing back her hair and regaining her composure. "However, I think the more important question is, who was that standing out in the middle of the road?"

The two of them, clad in their military uniforms, stepped out of the car. They looked around – the person had vanished. Next, Riza checked to see what the damage was to the car: a popped back wheel, and a few scratches, but nothing major. Roy, on the other hand, did a happy jig: "I don't have to go to Central! I don't have to go to Central!" he sang, jumping up and down. Riza was about to admonish him for his foolishness, when –

"WHOOMP!" A blur came pelting out of nowhere (again), and tackled the dancing Roy to the ground.

"OW!! Get off of me!!! Hey!!" Roy shouted at the figure pinning him to the ground.

Riza quickly pulled out her gun – she raised it, shouting "Watch out, Col-"

"CORNELLO IS MY HOME-BOYYYYYY_Y_!"

"What the hell?!" Riza shouted, forgetting all about playing the part of the "in charge and under control" woman.

"EDWARD!!! GET OFF OF ME!!!" Roy shouted, having finally figured out what it was that was suffocating him – Edward Elric (who was sitting on his stomach).

"I'M A PLAYAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ed shouted, jumping off of the colonel.

"WHHHEEEEEEE!!!" Ed began running around in a circle… in his boxers.

Roy fumed. Why was Ed constantly doing this to him? It just wasn't fair! Not to mention that it didn't make any sense… Roy tried to search his mind for some sort of answer or solution to his crack-hoarding subordinate's current behavior, pounding himself on the head with his fist. Other than becoming slightly dizzy, he had no such luck.

Riza wasn't having much luck, either, finding herself once again pleading with the hallucinating teenager.

"Fullmetal, sir! Calm down! Just calm donw!" she shouted, much the worse for wear. She began to lose control of herself, tears coming to her eyes. "Please stop running around, sir, and – Oh, God!" she cried, the tears now flowing freely. "Please, _please_," she cried desperately, "for the love of all that is good and holy, put some pants on!" She had been blinded by the whiteness of Ed's legs… again…"Or at least a spray-on tan, or something!" she shouted all the more frantically.

"Edward! What are you doing?!" Roy shouted, deciding it was easier to just go with his natural tendencies when dealing with Edward – his natural tendencies being yelling… and sarcasm… "You shouldn't be out here in the middle of nowhere! Someone could hit you with their truck – you're so small you'd stick to the windshield like a fly.

Edward stopped running and waving his arms. Riza cautiously made her way towards him as he stood and contemplated Roy.

Roy grew tense, waiting for something to happen. No matter what, he had to stall Ed long enough for Riza to grab him.

"You know what, Roy?"

Riza froze. Roy froze. They both stared at him. He sounded so… _normal_… Mustang's heart pounded. Riza, five feet from the boy, began to reach out towards him, sweating with nervous tension. What was going _on? _Why was Edward being normal all of a sudden?

"There's something else that's small…" Ed told his superior quite civilly.

Roy's heart pounded faster. Riza crept closer.

"And you know where that something is?" Ed asked coolly.

Roy tensed up. Riza stopped moving. 'Oh, crap,' she thought, 'here it comes.'

"… … … IN YOUR PANTS!" Ed shrieked, zipping off back down the road towards Eastern HQ.

Roy just stood there, staring at nothing. Riza just stood there, feeling like a fool, since her arms were still held out, reaching for an invisible Edward.

Roy breathed in and out deeply. "Lieutenant," Roy asked in a very small, dangerous voice, "will you excuse me for a moment?"

Before Riza had a chance to move, much less say anything, Roy was storming away in Ed's wake. "GET BACK HERE!" he bellowed, sending off random zaps of fire towards his cracked-out adversary.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE! GIANT PICKLE!" Ed cackled insanely, well out of Roy's reach.

"AAAAAGH!"

And once again, Riza was stranded out in the middle of nowhere with a busted car…

…

"Put-put-put-put-put-PCHING!" went the car as Riza drove it slowly back into Eastern headquarters. As she neared the building, Riza applied the brakes, worn out from the car's rather precarious drive back through the desert. "SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!" went the brakes. Riza's ears bled. She was past being able to hear at this point. Although she did hear one thing…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Riza stared at the source of the shouting, wide-eyed and confused. Her poor mind couldn't take much else…

"…What are you doing?" she asked Falman, Fuery, and Breda weakly.

"Yelling at cars," Breda told her simply. The other two nodded in agreement, each with a perfectly serious look on their face.

Riza turned her head back towards the road and noisily continued on her way, her mind blown…

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!" went the car as she applied the breaks.

The three officers stared after her.

"You know," Breda told the other two, every time a car screeches, a kitten gets thrown off a cliff."

Falman and Fuery looked at him, then back at Riza's car.

"KITTENS FOR BRAKE PADS!" they both shouted out to her.

"SCREEEEEEEEEECH! BANG! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!" went the car. Riza had run it into a wall (at a terribly low speed), then proceeded to closer her eyes and let her head fall onto the steering wheel, letting it rest there on the horn.

The three officers concernedly jogged over to the car, missing the opportunity to yell at three others that drove by. They cautiously looked in through the window at Riza.

"Uh… Lieutenant Hawkeye?" Fuery asked quietly.

Riza's eyes suddenly opened. She turned and looked at the three officers. She gently pulled out her gun. She stared them in the face.

They looked back at her nervously.

"I'LL SHOW YOU 'KITTENS FOR BRAKE PADS!'" she yelled.

"RUUUUUUUUN!" Breda shouted.

And so the three ran, Hawkeye fast on their heels, bullets whizzing through the air.

Poor Hawkeye… her mind had snapped in two… The day's adventure had obviously not been too entirely pleasant for her… She needed a vacation… Or, better yet, a beer! Lots of beers! And hard liquor! And perhaps… a little crack to go along with it?

HAPPY SWEET 16, "CRACKED-OUT ADVENTURES!"

**Keep on sending me those true-life experiences, everyone! This "series" would be nothing without you! And please, continue to review! Remember, you don't have to be registered with FanFiction to review my stories! See you all soon, everyone!**


	17. Roy and Riza's Cracked Out Morning

**Hello, everyone! It's The New FMA here with some one-shot, cracked-up goodness! Keep in mind that in order to understand 'Adventure' #17 you will need to have read #16, and in order to read #16, you must read #1! See you all in reviews!**

**Thank you for today's idea, Roy-Fan-33! I'm sorry to hear that the car that inspired "Kittens for Brakepads" has gone to car heaven… **

**Disclaimer: I do not endorse the use of illicit drugs – only making fun of them. **

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Adventures: The Next Day

"Pickle-cake, pickle-cake, pickles in a pan," Ed sang out happily as he clapped hands with Riza to the beat of the vinegary-vegetable song, "pickle me a shrimp as fast as you can!"

"Catch it," Riza giggled, sitting cross-legged opposite of Ed, "and pickle it, and mark it with an R!"

"And put it back in Roy's pants, since it belongs to him, not me!" Ed finished as he and Riza convulsed in laughter.

Roy's eye twitched. He couldn't see them, but he could clearly hear them… seeing as how they were sitting in front of his desk. 'Why,' he thought, 'didn't I just give Riza the day off? I should have known that after yesterday's incident Ed would convince her into getting high…'

"Pickle-cake, pickle-cake, pickles in a pan…" the two cracked-out pseudo-three-year-olds chorused as they began the clapping game anew.

"WHAM!" Roy's head crashed onto the desk, and the two cracked-out blondes merrily continued with their song, oblivious to everything but the idea of pickling Roy's… ahem… _smaller_ attributes…

**Awww, poor Roy! They keep picking on you for being 'small!' But don't worry – I know just how wrong they are! Keep sending me funny thoughts/comments/stories so I can FMA-ify them! You don't have to be a registered user to send along a message! **

**Oh, and if you do have any friends who use drugs a lot, do me a favor, ok? Btch-slap them upside the head and tell them that if they continue to wreck their lives with drugs, their lives will be reduced to playing patty-cake to the tune of a song about pickles. That should scare the crap out of 'em. **


	18. A Summer Adventure Special!

**Ahhh… Sorry, guys! I realize it's been a while! The only reason I'm writing at all is because it's summer vacation! So, to give everyone a new story and provide a possible explanation for why there haven't been many stories lately, I now give you the next "Adventures" installment! I also added in a little something special for all my Royai fans! wink-wink**

**Disclaimer: I do not endorse the use of any illicit drugs in any way – I just have the characters use them because it gives me an excuse to have them perform embarrassing and stupid behavior. Also, I do not own FMA, but based on this story, I think you can figure out what would happen if I did. ;)**

Roy and Riza's Cracked-Out Dream Vacation

Edward Elric's auto-mail finger made circles on the starchy white fabric, lazily tracing patterns on his bedspread where he was stretched out. Edward sighed. He was bored.

"Hello, brother. How are you feeling?" Alphonse Elric asked quietly as he entered the brightly-lit white room and sat down at a chair by the window. Birds twittered happily in the trees outside – it was yet another bright and happy summer day in Central City.

Ed cast a tedious look at his brother before rolling his eyes and staring up at the ceiling. He was bored.

"Brother," Al said slowly in a soft, light-hearted manner, "I was thinking we could read a book today! Look," he said as he pulled a bright blue hard-bound book from his armor, "it's about a little puppy that goes to a park – and it has pictures! Isn't that wonderful, big brother?"

"Al," Ed sighed exasperatedly, "I'm in rehab, not a mental institution. I _don't_ need to be treated like a kid! I'm completely in my right mind."

Alphonse stared at Edward silently for a few moments. "… Um… are you sure?"

"YES I AM SURE!" Ed yelled angrily.

Alphonse gave a clanky shrug. "I was just checking. You acted awfully like a kid whenever you were cracked-out. I just assumed…"

"Oh, whatever," Ed grunted, huffily turning to stare out the window, the bright summer's day clashing horribly with his mood. "You know what, Al? I really wish the Colonel and the Lieutenant would come back from their vacation."

Alphonse said nothing, yet silently agreed. While most of Ed's actions were either directed at or even caused by his superior, Central just wasn't the same without the Colonel and Lieutenant…

Ed continued to stare out the window, thinking about how much fun the Colonel must be having on his vacation. He sighed. He was _still_ bored.

…

Riza Hawkeye's finger made circles on the silky cream fabric, lazily tracing patterns on the sheets of the bed where she was laying. She sighed. She was content. "Roy?" she called out. "Roy, what are you doing? We have reservations for dinner!"

"I'm trying to find some clothes!" Roy Mustang called out from the large walk-in closet as a bright pink Speedo sailed across the room.

Riza laughed. "What are you talking about? I packed you plenty of clothes!"

Roy Mustang's head peered from around the doorway, his face bright pink. "Shorts, t-shirts, and skimpy bathing suits are hardly clothes!"

Riza got up from the bed, her pale sundress gently clinging to her sun-kissed skin. She laughed lightly as she wrapped her arms around Roy's neck. She had never felt so relaxed before in her entire life. "Roy, we're at the beach – those _are_ clothes."

"I know," he said, slightly blushing, "it's just that… no one's ever seen my…"

"Your what?" Riza asked coyly.

"… my legs…" he said in a small, sheepish voice.

Riza backed up and stared at him, mind blank. "You're kidding, right? I mean, come on!"

Roy stared at her incredulously as he walked from around the door, white cotton shirt unbuttoned, revealing his well-toned chest and abs, and khaki beach shorts that revealed his stark-white legs. "I've never heard you talk like that before... so… openly."

His Lieutenant gave him a small smile. It was true. She was normally very reserved. But this was a vacation! Riza couldn't remember the last time she went on a vacation – provided she had ever been on one at all! And what's more, she was getting to spend it with none other than Roy… She had been scared at first that he'd reject her proposal for a dual get-away and that she'd have to resort to her usual tactics in order to bring him along, but, surprisingly, Roy was very eager about the idea. And how… he was the one that suggested a beach… in a different country… thus eliminating the chance of someone tracking them down for any sudden military business. So yes, she was acting much differently than normal – she had no paperwork to deal with, no military personnel to deal with – virtually no cares or responsibilities. Save for one… Roy. He was forever going to be her responsibility (which is why she had to pack for him) and this vacation was the first time in a long time where she actually enjoyed this life-long task, thus reminding herself why she was doing this in the first place.

Riza's reverie was broken by the sudden white light that seemingly blinded her. "Oh, my – what is that?" she asked, shielding her eyes with her hands.

Roy gave her a hurt look before saying in a condescending tone, "I _told_ you I shouldn't wear shorts!"

Riza squinted as she walked back towards him, renewing her arms' hold around his neck, bringing his face closer to hers. "Well," she said in a tone reminiscent of her usual no-nonsense work-place attitude, "we'll just have to buy you some pants later."

"What? Why later?" he asked. "I can't wait until later! I'll blind everyone on the beach if I go out to town like this!"

Riza smiled as she leaned in to kiss Roy lightly on the cheek. "Because… the sun's setting – and we're at the beach…"

The Colonel stared at her for a moment, thinking back to all the times when he had wanted to be near her like this, talk to her, _kiss_ her… But they'd always been under the globally-vigilant eye of the military and their peers. But now… well, now was a completely different matter – they were alone this time, and, like Riza said, the sun was setting… and they were at the beach… how much more romantic of a situation could you get when you were on vacation with someone you weren't supposed to be romantically involved with? 'And besides,' Roy thought as he gave his Lieutenant a coy smile, 'she hasn't even tried tying me to the bed yet – I should take full advantage of _this_ situation!'

Hand in hand, Roy and Riza walked out of their hotel and onto the beach, the brilliant red and orange hues of the setting sun masking the red of their blushing faces.

…

"Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah. Boogie-boogie-boogie-boogie-boo! Shnarck!" a drooling, half-crazed and completely cracked-out Scar blathered as he stumbled along the sandy beaches of a little vacationing-spot in the nation of Creta (a nation to the west of Amestris) that also happened to be where Roy and Riza were currently, ahem, enjoying the view. In the dying light of the sun's rays, Scar spotted them deeply immersed in a make-out session – yet it was the reflection of Roy's legs that sent him over the edge. The bright white light sent Scars' delirious mind over the edge…

"RASTAFARIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Scar screamed as he came charging over the dunes towards the entwined military pair.

Riza's eyes flashed as she saw Scar coming towards them out of the corner of her eye. "Errr…" she growled as she broke away from her and Roy's kiss, "give me a BREAK!" Her mind reeled at how unlikely it was that they should run into anyone – much less Amestris' most-wanted – on their vacation, while they were making out, and have that somebody be on crack! She would have almost expected it from Ed, but this? And now?

But before Riza could pull out her gun and prove once and for all that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, Roy sat up from underneath her, obsidian eyes smoldering, and, gloved hand raised, snapped his fingers. Having been so rudely interrupted in the middle of the most passionate kiss he had ever had, Roy's anger turned to action as his primal male instincts took over, eliminating the foe that was trying to steal his mate from him.

"GAAAAH! CRÈME BRULEE!" Scar screamed in agony as the back of his shirt erupted into flames. He ran around and around in tight, fast circles on the beach until his cracked-out mind told him that now would be the best time to stop, drop, and roll – which he promptly did.

Riza watched on, fascinated and some-what shocked by Roy's quick actions, as Scar put himself out. "I can't believe that just happened…" Riza quietly said to herself, referring to both Scar's being on crack, his showing up on the beach while they were making out, and how Roy responded to the threat before Riza did.

"Hmph," Roy grunted before pulling Riza back to him.

"B-but, shouldn't we apprehend Scar?" Riza stammered, torn between kissing Roy and turning in a wanted murderer.

Roy turned his head and looked at Scar, who was now scooting his butt across the sand while singing a song that was apparently about strawberry jam. "No – I think that can wait," he said.

And with that, Roy and Riza resumed enjoying their vacation at the beach.

…

Edward lay on his side on the scratchy hospital-issued bed of the rehab center, staring blankly out the window. He sighed. He was bored.

Suddenly, the sound of squeaking wheels and the heavy doors of the ward opening filled his ears. He rolled slightly over and watched as they wheeled a sedated Scar next to him, the large and terrifying man lying on his stomach on the starched-white sheets of the bed, his entire backside covered in stiff white bandages, the smell of burn ointment hovering above him. Ed sat up and turned and faced the gently snoring mass on the bed next to his and smiled. He wasn't going to be bored anymore.

**Well, everybody, I hoped you liked it – especially the Roy and Riza parts! Keep sending me in some funny stuff – I know some of you have, and I promise, it's waiting in the wings! But still, send in funny stuff! You never know, it may be a quick write-up, resulting in more cracked-out adventures for you to read sooner! Oh, and send me a review:D**


	19. MY GLORIOUS RETURN!

MY GLORIOUS RETURN!

In all of its cracked-out glory! :D

Sooooooooo… It's been a while! Like, a COUPLE OF YEARS while! I am an f-ing idiot!

But FEAR NOT – the return of the cracked-out queen is nigh!

I am about to start up on a NEW cracked-out adventure! I'm browsing through all of the comments I've received, and I think I have a winner! Either that or we'll have a cracked-out reunion special… Either way…

Start submitting ideas again, because I am BACK, BABY!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hugs and kisses,

The New FMA


	20. TheNewFMA's CrackedOut Reunion Special!

**So it has been YEARS since I even logged into my account! And you know what? That is a horrible, horrible thing! I can't believe I've neglected these stories for that long! I mean… I don't even remember WRITING half of this crap! (btw, Ianguage warning in all of my C-O stories lol) But you know what? I'm going to fix that… Starting NOW!**

**NOTE: I have purposefully not read a SINGLE previous "episode" of C-O As… (read: Cracked-Out Adventures) – and so the styles will probably be completely different! I just wanted my first foray back into the depths of Eastern Command to be as organic and original as possible – no outside influences. Maybe you'll like the new style – maybe you won't. Either way, it's bound to progress and change, just like the story always has… Please keep reviewing, and KEEP SENDING ME YOUR CRACKED-OUT STORIES!!!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA, nor will I ever… But boy, do I wish I could! And no, I do not support the usage of crack or other illegal drugs – it just makes for a more interesting plot – or lack thereof!**

#19: The New FMA's Cracked-Out Reunion Special!

***

The desert winds outside of Eastern Command pulled at the figure in the long red coat, his braided golden hair matching the late-afternoon sun's rays in both intensity and color.

"Brother...?" a muffled, tinny voice called out from somewhere below. "Brother, where are you?"

"Sigh… Right here, Al…"

The figure's thin frame stooped down, wearily pushing away at the sand with laborious movements, the right arm working harder than the left… Suddenly there was a loud, scratchy 'clunk' – the sound of metal scraping upon gritty metal. The blond figure gave a small smile.

"There you are…"

Two red orbs, softly glowing through the caverns of a horned metal helmet, looked up with enthusiasm as the sun shone down into his sunken hole. Yet despite the relief he couldn't help but notice the sadness behind his brother's smile…

***

'Tick…Tock…Tick…Tock…Tick…Tock…'

Roy Mustang's eyes lazily stared at the clock on the adjacent wall of his office, only vaguely aware of the time. He sat brooding at his desk, doing nothing… Saying nothing…

'SLAM'

His eyes glanced over, taking her in – yet the messages his mind received stayed where they were rather than giving his body directions like they normally would – to run, hide, cry… Or all three.

"A-hem," she said.

He propped his elbows up on the desk, still hunched over but giving her his full attention – or at least what was left of it.

Riza Hawkeye sighed… Her work was never done, was it?

"Colonel," she said in her usual brisk manner, "your paperwork… Has it been completed yet?"

"You know full well that it hasn't, First Lieutenant…" Roy drawled out, his speech as thick and slow as the stifling summer air.

Riza's expression pained as she watched Roy's eyes drift from her, his focus blurring, until he was gazing at some far off place that was neither here nor there – a place that she could not go… A place where she could not help him…

***

"Nnnnnngh," Ed half-yawned, stretching out his arms.

"Brother, isn't it great to be back?!" Alphonse asked excitedly. "And to think we haven't been here in years! Won't this be wonderful, Brother?"

"Yeah, I guess…" Ed replied moodily, staring at the hustle and bustle of East City with a look of complete disinterest.

"Oh, Ed…" the suit of armor sighed.

***

"Colonel," Riza called out from the other side of the office door, a cup of warm coffee in her hands – the only remedy she could offer.

Silence…

"… Colonel?" Riza asked, much more gently this time. She could only imagine what he must be going through right now, this confusing anniversary… They had both been so panic-stricken, so concerned… But her instinct to always get the job done had kept her focused and on-task, and so she had moved on, bringing Mustang with her like she knew she had to. Yet even she couldn't maintain this cold demeanor when right now the man that she loved was hurting so much…

She gently opened the door.

"Colonel, I – "

"Zzzzzzzzzzz-snork-zzz…"

Her eye twitched.

"COLONEEEEEL!"

***

"Brother, honestly, don't you want to go and see them? We haven't been here in ages, they must be worried sick about us!" Alphonse pleaded with his smaller, yet older, brother as they walked towards Eastern Command.

"Worried sick? What for? I never told them to worry about me…" Ed replied indignantly.

"Grr, you can be such an idiot sometimes, Brother!"

"What?!" Ed exploded, stopping and turning on his heel so that he was looking up directly into the emotionless steel mask that was his brother's face. "Who're you calling an idiot, you idiot?!"

"I'm an idiot? You're the one that left without so much as a good-bye!"

"That gives you no excuse to call your older brother an idiot, Al!" Edward snapped back.

"But haven't you ever wondered how they are? Or what they've been doing? They must have searched for us for months!"

"Don't be stupid, Al, they wouldn't do that…" Ed grumbled, crossing his arms and turning his back on his brother.

"Edward… You know they cared for us…" Al said softly.

His brother remained silent, motionless except for his golden braid and the hem of his coat being gently buffeted by the wind.

"Why, Ed? Why would you do that to them?" the younger brother asked, a trace of pain in his eternally-young voice.

Ed's shoulders shook. He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes against what he knew could only come next…

"Brother, don't…"

Yet the tears fell forth, spotting the dusty road with sadness and shame…

***

Riza's nerve continued to twitch ever so slightly, her eyes closed and her face pulled into a grimace, trying to remain calm.

Roy stretched out in his chair and propped his feet up on his desk, a nervous grin on his face. "Lieutenant, please… Come sit down and relax, there's no use in getting angry."

Her eyes snapped open.

Roy froze.

She glared at him.

'Please, God, don't let her kill me… Please, God, don't let her kill me…' Roy prayed with desperation as his right-hand woman and the best sniper in all of Eastern Command walked towards him with slow, deliberate steps.

The old fear was back, he thought ruefully…

Suddenly he began to laugh.

***

"Come on, Brother," Al said, his large armored hand resting gently on the thin should of the mournful Edward as he guided him up the steps of Eastern Command.

***

"What's so funny?" Riza asked, her eyes narrowed in suspicion, searching him for answers to this unprovoked outburst.

"Nothing, nothing…" Roy chuckled, his first true smile in over two years dawning on his face as he lifted his head to look at her.

***

Ed shuffled his feet through the long marble hallways, his brother, like an ever-present shadow, clanking at his side. His mind raced, two years of thoughts and emotions all flooding forth and grappling for attention inside his head.

Al looked side-ways at him; he could almost see the thoughts forming inside his brother's head, see the gears turning and the contents of a thousand books being sorted through, books that wouldn't be able to help him with what he was about to face.

Ed stopped. The light of the setting sun through the windows cast his shadow across the hall.

"Al…"

The suit of armor quietly turned and gazed at the down-trodden form of his elder brother, the pain and confliction written upon his old yet still-so-young face…

"Al, I… I…I'm…"

"Don't, brother," Alphonse said somberly. "We're almost there – you can tell them soon."

Ed looked up at his brother and then back down at the floor, his golden bangs covering his eyes; he slowly nodded.

They walked on.

***

"C-colonel…" Riza said somewhat breathlessly. She was so taken aback to see that… happiness… there – on his face again, in his eyes again… Yet it was a surprise mixed with its own kind of bittersweet joy.

He smiled at her again, much more softly this time.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have laughed; it's just… It's been so long since I've… I've…" he lapsed into silence, faltering. He stared at the floor, searching his mind for the right words, but they just wouldn't come.

"Yes?" she asked, taking a few small steps towards him until they were almost face-to-face.

He looked up – saw her gazing at him with concern and just the faintest glimmer of hope, a feeling he knew that she allowed so precious little of in her life. He felt his heart open towards her, his soul wanting to pull her in, into his arms, into his heart… To embrace her and never let go…

"… Roy?"

His heart stopped. It always did when she used his name…

He slowly, slowly began to reach his hand out to her…

"Roy…" she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

His heart stopped again.

***

"Ed, we're here…"

Edward looked up, the sight of the giant oaken doors bringing back so many memories it was painful. The weight in his chest grew heavier; he felt like it was going to tear open his heart, suffocate him with its swelling presence. Everything he had ever wanted to say, everything he had ever felt for those two people on the other side of this door was now screaming inside his mind, yearning to be let out.

He felt the tears burning behind his eyes, the words he wanted to say – those words of surrender and humility, the equivalent exchange for forgiveness – seemed to physically be in his mouth, resting lightly on his tongue, ready to be thrown out the moment those doors opened…

Al turned the tarnished brass handle…

The lock clicked.

Ed's heart stopped.

***

They were now only inches apart; Roy's hands were on her arms, ever so lightly – like a moth's wing against the coarse fibers of her jacket.

She closed her eyes; he leaned in…

Her heart stopped.

***

Al opened the door wide.

He took in the view of those two people – two of the most important in his and his brother's lives – frozen, standing in what was the split-second before intimacy…

He and his brother stood in the doorway, motionless…

Both pairs were suspended in time, no one moving for fear of the other's flight…

'If I still had my heart,' Al thought, 'I'm sure it would've stopped…'

***

"A-hem…" Roy coughed, stepping away from his colleague – the silence broken. He scratched at the back of his head, letting his gaze roam around his office.

Riza blushed with evident discomfort.

Ed looked on with general bemusement.

"Uhhh…" Al said, desperately trying to think of a way to repair the situation. "Ed!"

All three sets of eyes in the room looked up at him.

"Ed, don't you have something you wanted to tell them?"

Ed stared at his younger brother with a look of blank confusion.

"Um… Roy? I mean, Colonel?" Riza asked in a small voice.

Roy quickly glanced back at her.

Her heart was racing – she had to know… Had to hear it… "What… What was it you were trying to tell me?"

Roy looked at Ed; Ed looked at Roy. They both looked back at their respective partners…

"… What are you talking about?" the two men said in unison.

***

Al and Riza both stood there, dumb-founded.

"What do you mean, 'what are you talking about?!'" they both cried in exasperation.

"You were just about to tell me that – " Riza blurted.

"Y-you were just about to tell them how – " Al stuttered.

The two state alchemists said nothing, continuing to stare at the babbling figures across from them as if in hopes that they would finally say something that made sense.

"Aaaand…?" Roy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Sooo…?" Ed prodded, cocking his head to one side.

"But… But…" Al stammered.

"But I almost got my kiss…!" Riza shouted.

"But you were about to apologize…!" Al pleaded.

Al and Riza both turned and stared at each other with looks of shock and dismay.

"But I almost got Roy to admit that he loved me…!"

"And I almost got my brother to admit that he was wrong…!"

… The sound of their sanity breaking was almost audible, like the faint, tinkling crack of a crystal as it falls upon a stone floor, tiny shards splintering off, shattering, glinting softly in the fading sunlight…

***

"…What's with them?" Roy asked after a minute, looking to Ed for insight.

"Beats the hell out of me," Ed shrugged, staring out the door with a confused yet disapproving expression.

"Huh."

"Yup," Ed agreed.

"… They'll come back eventually, won't they?"

"Should. We can always call animal control later."

"Oh yeaaaaah…" Roy said with dawning realization.

"… Wanna go get something to eat?"

Roy shrugged. "Sure. You're paying, though – you owe me."

Ed gave a despondent sigh. "Well, I guess I had that coming… So what are you in the mood for?"

"You know, strangely enough I have a craving for pickles…"

"Well, that's odd…"

"I know, I can't understand it either…"

***

Meanwhile, somewhere in the vast tracks of the distant desert, the cracked-out cries of "GIANT PICKLE!" echoed through the night, just as they used to all those years ago…

***THE END***

**Yay! :D Ok, so I know that this wasn't exactly the most riveting story humor-wise, but I felt like this is the way that it needed to be… I'll be going back to that full-on, slap-stick humor, don't you worry, but at the same time I wanted to give you all a taste again of how I write – deeper, more subtle… Those little random "LOL" moments that I'm sure you all look forward to so much… :) BTW, I honestly can't remember if Roy and Riza ever kissed in one of my previous stories – for the sake of the plot, we'll just go ahead and assume that they haven't… **

**So, I hope that you liked it – and please comment and review! I'd hate for those hours not spent studying to go to waste… :P Also, please pass the word along to your FMA-loving friends – gotta get my readership back up! My next project – after I finish up with my summer courses, of course (college sucks… Stay in school, kids!) – is going to be revising my flag-ship fanfic, "The New Fullmetal Alchemist" – so GET EXCITED!**

**And please do submit your stories for me to FMA-ify and pump full of illicit substances, because I want to do at least one more story, preferably fan-based, before September 4****th**** – which, if you didn't know (and you probably didn't), is my 21****st**** birthday! And my 21****st**** C-O A will be a reflection of such! *big cheesy grin***

**See you guys soon, and thanks for sticking around – it's great to be back after 2 years! Hopefully these new stories will be like a fine wine – getting better with age!**

**-The New FMA**


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